Abandoned Love
by castlefan6
Summary: Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective and True Love. TOTALLY AU
1. Chapter 1

**Abandoned Love**

** by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago, when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Chapter 1**

**Castle's Loft**

**Tuesday, April 27, **

Rick sat in his office, suddenly much bigger than he had remembered. The Loft had always been the fun spot, the place parties were held, aka fun central. If it wasn't him, it was his Mother Martha Rogers throwing some kind of party. He could almost hear her distinctive laugh yet in three days, he would mark the one-year anniversary of Martha taking her final bow here on earth, it didn't seem possible but time marches on for us all.

She had died the way she always said she wanted to, "Well Kiddo, to be honest, I don't want to die at all, but if I have to, I hope I go to sleep and not wake up" was her famous quote as Rick picked up the last family photo sitting on his desk.

Martha never seemed to age, still lovely at the age of 73, shivers went up to his arm when he actually put the number to her age. If she were still alive, she would have killed him, but through the last year, he had discovered just how much Martha Rogers did love her family.

The first major discovery was that she hadn't lost her savings to her last lover as she professed, she had put everything into a living trust once she discovered an early diagnosis of the Alzheimer gene, present in her blood. She had very specific instructions on how the money was to be spent, and where and how she wanted to be buried. She had left millions to charity, mainly the arts, but also the homeless and the forgotten veterans of America.

Rick had always made it a point to take Alexis as a child when they performed volunteer service at Soup Kitchens or other charitable organizations. He wanted her to understand it wasn't simply good enough for her to write a check, that was only money, what people wanted more than anything was the touch of another human, just to say I care, or I understand.

As he walked through the office, his thoughts traveled back to earlier times, when all were happy, times simpler, and all he wanted to do was make his little girl happy. She wasn't his little girl anymore, last year of Grad School and she would be engaged before June, the young suitor had already braved the elements and requested her hand. He smiled when the thought of the nervousness, but he also admired Mike for sticking to the old-time traditions, not many were left anymore. He wasn't sure of much lately, but he would bet the house that Alexis said yes, she was in love with the young man, and he worshiped the ground she walked upon.

As he wandered through the office, he came to his bookshelf, there they were, one full display case of Derrick Storm, another of Nikki Heat novels, both had added considerably to his wealth, but it was the Heat series that he cherished more than any other work he did. Not that it was the best in a Literary sense, but it had brought him back from the brinks of cashing it in and completely stop writing.

He was thinking back to the book launch, the one where Gina was ready to kill him for the killing of Derrick when Beckett showed up and his life changed dramatically. Gosh, Alexis was only 14, so how long ago was that he was figuring the years in his head when his cell phone rang.

"Castle" was his reply, gone were the quips and smartass remarks, he had finally done what his mother, his daughter, Gina, and especially Beckett had told him to do, he had finally grown up.

"Hey Rick, I'm glad I caught you. How are you, I haven't heard from you in a few weeks, and I was just wondering, could we get together for coffee, or lunch today?"

"Hi Kate, thanks for calling, sorry it's been that long but it's coming up, and well I wasn't really in the mood to be with anyone, so I'm sorry I didn't call. How are you doing, anything new or exciting?"

"Come on Rick, you worked side by side with me for almost 6 years, you know nothing happens until you show up" she tried to lighten his mood, but she could tell the way he breathed, he was still depressed. His mother's death had impacted him so much more than anyone knew.

"So, you up for lunch or coffee? I know you've been working out but one of Remy's milkshakes won't hurt you."

"OK, I guess, what time? I have a meeting with Black Pawn at 4:00 PM"

"You meeting with Gina at 4:00? We'll have plenty of time" she smiled even though the mention of his ex-wife's name still hurt her. She had been so close, till….

"I said Black Pawn, you mentioned Gina, just so long as you remember who said what later" he tried, but the old boyish Rick was missing where he could kid about everything

"OK Smartass, meet you there in an hour?" Kate asked trying to keep it light

"See you then," and the line was dead.

Kate almost cried when she thought about how close they had been, she had hurt him so deeply. She had worked so hard to win him back when he started taking unexplained trips, and true although they were dating, nothing had been declared, yet she couldn't help but be jealous.

The jealously monster came out full bore when she discovered his trips were always with a woman, Alexis was in school, so who the hell was he cavorting with? She promised herself she would ask, not interrogate, but when she brought the subject up, he was deliberately vague. She finally lost her temper and accused him of leading a double life, presenting him with the records she had obtained for his hotel stays, meals, and airfare.

**Flashback 14 months previously**

"Why can't you just tell me, Rick, what's the big deal. We never said we were exclusive, so why not fuck everyone you can. I mean I plan on doing it now that I know you are"

"Is that what you really think Kate, I'm out crashing the sheets with every bimbo who throws herself at me, do you think that little of me, of us?"

"Hell, I don't know what to think Rick, we're hot then we're cold, we don't talk, then when we do, you won't tell me what's going on in your life, what am I supposed to think?"

"You're supposed to trust me, believe in me as I do you, I never question your trips, hell you work in an industry that is over 90% men, I see how they leer at you. I never made it an issue because I knew, at least I thought I knew who you were, or wanted to be coming home to."

"Trust you? Rick, you work with your ex-wife, who is still in love with you, your publisher would fuck your brains out on Times Square at high noon, and you have a legion of women with fake ID's to go with their fake boobs, up to ladies almost as old as your Mother"

She could tell she hit a nerve with the word Mother, yet she didn't know why. He grabbed his jacket from the back of her couch, turned without saying a word and left. Three days went by and she still hadn't heard from him so she decided enough was enough. She was stopping by his loft and having this out once and for all.

They had exchanged keys, so not stopping to be announced she took the stairs to his loft, knocked once then opened the door with her key. The sight she saw was still frozen in her mind, Martha was without all makeup, her hair had been brushed, but was still unruly, then she heard her babble on and on about having to get to the set, or she would be fired, Richard couldn't go to another school this year she had to keep her job.

Rick turned to see Kate frozen in the doorway, as Alexis worked with the therapist to continue to calm Martha down about not getting fired and making Richard transfer schools again.

"Rick, I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I"

"You didn't know because that's Mother's request, she wanted no one to find out, especially those she loved, which, if you haven't figured it out yet, includes you."

"Babe, I'm so sorry, what can I do, I'm sorry for all the things I said I me"

"You want to help, turn around leave the way you came and forgot you saw this. This is the hell we deal with; some days are better than others, but just so you know, you found the other woman that you ran my financials against. I would have hoped we could have trusted each other more, especially after, never mind, just go"

She left the Loft, and any hopes of a deepening relationship with Rick had left with her. He knew she would never truly trust him, and now, he had lost the trust she had gained in his life, "

For the next 9 weeks she called, she texted, she wrote letters, she pleaded, she begged, but there was nothing but silence from Rick and the Castle residence. Finally, she received a call on Monday, April 27th, she thought it was Rick,

"Rick, God I'm so glad you called" she was almost in tears,

"It's Alexis Castle, Detective Beckett, Dad wanted me to let you know Grams passed away about an hour ago, Thanks for your prayers" and the young lady hung up.

She tried to help him, be there for him during his grief, but he refused to answer her calls. It was Gina who was standing tall for Alexis, she was her step-mom but it still hurt to see herself as the outsider. Gina was the one who posted, along with Paula Haas all social media announcements, and it was Gina who was with Rick and Alexis the night, all the lights on Broadway went dark for ten minutes, only the candles light illuminated the night.

The last part of the celebration of life included a brief mass, where Rick delivered the eulogy, and once again, Gina was there with Alexis, right by his side. Kate had seen Rick angry, happy, disappointed, even discouraged, but this was the first time she could remember seeing him sad. He had never let his sadness show, well until now and he had every right to be sad, hell he could cry if he wouldn't be so macho about it.

Kate knew his heart was breaking as she watched him climb the few steps to the pulpit of the church, and began to speak in a low reverent tone;

"Good Evening All, I'm Richard Castle, and I was blessed to have Martha Rogers as my mother. I would ask that you remain seated, reflecting in your own thoughts of Mother, that perhaps is the best way to honor this wonderful woman today." He looked to the sky, cleared his voice and took out of his suit his final tribute to his mother.

"_Thank you for being with us today, to celebrate the life of a remarkable woman, my mother Martha Rogers. She often said that there are no lessons about 'The Art of Mothering' we can only do our best and hope that we do it well. (Rick paused, swallowed hard, then looked to the sky) Mother, you won your Emmy for this role you not only played but lived so well._

_She was a caring, supportive and loving mother, grandmother and friend in a time when Single Mothers were more likely to be shunned than accepted. She chose the difficult decision when I was born, to keep me when in reality she was barely older than her Granddaughter is today. She paid the price for my very existence throughout the circles of society my entire life, yet her smile and love for me, her Son, never wavered. _

_Last evening the lights on Broadway went dark for a few moments in her honor, a fitting tribute to a lady who overcame such huge obstacles to rise to such heights in a field she loved so dearly. Without the burden of my being, I'm sure her talent would have taken her to even greater fortune and fame. When I mentioned this once, as I got older and realized the tremendous sacrifices Mother had and continued to make, for my wellbeing, her reply was typical, "Kiddo you were the best choice in roles I ever made, I wouldn't trade any for that of Mother"_

_Mother raised me in the worst of times, a single woman with a child, relying on a show or play to continue in order to feed and clothe her son. Often Mother would be acting in three different performances, all with different show times, just to ensure she had enough money to provide for me. She had two blood Sisters, who abandoned her, yet she loved them still, _

_She taught me to forgive, she didn't believe in I'm sorry, that only meant you were sorry you got caught, she would say. If someone does something to hurt you, you don't owe them anything more than an opportunity to ask for forgiveness, and Richard, you will be the richer one if you truly do forgive. Your heart only has so much room for grief, don't add to it Son, Life will do that all on its own._

_Mother made sure our home was full of music and laughter, despite the hardships. Each Christmas she would put on a production of the Nutcracker, just for me, and as I grew, she worked extra jobs to provide for me at the best schools she could afford._

_I have lost my wonderful mother, companion, adviser, and mentor. I am so honored to have been her Son. I am grieving not for Mother, I know her battle has been won, but for myself, and Alexis, my daughter and the huge hole that is now looming in our lives. _

_She taught us all what is really important in life - to love, support and care for friends and family in our lives. We are all better off for having known her. It was a great privilege to be her Son, I only hope that through some of my efforts I have made her as proud of me as I was of her, _

_Mother used to say that, "No one was ever as interested in everything you do, or as proud of you as your Mother could be," I think I finally understand, Thank You Mother, (Rick's eyes fill but he choked back the tears as he delivered the last line in his speech, Martha would have been proud)_

_I can understand why this church is so full today, it reminds me of the giant hole in my heart that will need time to heal, thank you all once again for supporting our family today."_

The minute he's off the steps he was surrounded by Gina on one side, and Alexis on the other, both dabbing their eyes as they wrap one arm around Rick and get back to their seats.

The minister said one last prayer and everyone was invited to a reception at LeCerc, Martha's favorite restaurant who had closed for general dining in respect for Marth Rogers, the actress. It was truly the end of an era.

**Present Day**

Kate was already seated in "their" booth at Remy's, well it used to be. They had solved a lot of cases together and built a lot of theory over french fries and milkshakes but those days were gone, they died when she killed his trust for her.

Ever the gentleman, Rick made his way over, took her hand and kissed it before he sat down.

"Hey, You," she said,

"Hey yourself" he replied, but the sparkle in those blue eyes was just not there.

"What's up Kate, I know as Captain of the 12th you have better things to do than slum with us low life PI's"

"Hey, watch it, I happen to care about a certain PI very much," she said then instantly regretted it as she watched him squirm,

"I'm sorry Rick, I know I promised, but I still love you, that never stopped" she whispered,

"Kate please, I can't do this right now, we were supposed to meet for a burger and shake, I can't take the drama right now" as he started to leave,

"No Rick, stay, please, I promise, I just want to spend a little time with you even if we don't say a word."

He sat back down, and Kate observed a shell of the man who had stolen her heart, so many years ago,

"So, you working on a new book, or won't you even tell me that now that Nikki is a Captain and Roark is finding other interests."

"No book Kate, when I said that was the last Heat book, I meant it. I can't go back to those days again, it's just too painful, for us all. But we are having an Anniversary Mass for Mother on Friday if you'd like to join, nothing big, just family."

"Thanks, Rick, I'll be there just text me the address and time, please"

She was thankful he at least met with her, invited her, but she needed to find a way to restore his love and zest for life, hopefully with her, but hell, she would be happy as long as he was happy. She cried just thinking about how sad he was,


	2. Chapter 2

Abandoned Love **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago, when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_No book Kate, when I said that was the last Heat book, I meant it. I can't go back to those days again, it's just too painful, for us all. But we are having an Anniversary Mass for Mother on Friday if you'd like to join, nothing big, just family."_

_"Thanks, Rick, I'll be there just text me the address and time, please"_

_**************************************************************************************/_

**Chapter 2**

**Remy's Shake Shope**

**April 25th (Cont'd) **

Kate and Rick continued their meal almost in silence, save the normal niceties, weather, Yankees stinking up the league, how her Dad was and thanks for asking, the conversation more suited for two strangers than two individuals who loved each other as much as everyone else saw years before they finally realized it. Now Life, or almost losing it had helped create a void far larger than any walls Kate had ever erected around her heart.

"Are you complete with your Physical Therapy Rick, you look fantastic." Kate offered to try to open the channels of communication that were never a problem with the old Rick, but now well everyone recognized the changes in him. He appeared more Grown Up, seldom did he display any of his old childish ways, if at all, especially around her or the rare occasion she could get him to join the gang from the 12th for lunch or dinner.

"Officially yes, but I retained Yves to be my personal trainer, so we meet three times a week, in my private gym. I'm down 35 pounds, BMI is back in the normal and healthy range, and the pain from the kidneys, well it's bearable as long as I do my stretching exercises faithfully." He replied in a quiet voice, nothing at all like her old Rick, even her smile had gone away, the one he only smiled for her. Today, as always, she got the Press Smile, the frozen one, reserved for interviews.

"Well, he's done a fantastic job Rick, you look so trim and fit." Kate offered to keep the talk flowing,

"She Kate, Yves is short for Yvette, she's a top-notch trainer, Alexis and her boyfriend use her as well when they have time from school. Thanks, I think she did a wonderful job coming from where we started," Rick replied, no chuckle in his voice, no foreplay as they had enjoyed in the old days, just the professional voice he always used now.

Kate blushed knowing exactly where they had started, Rick had come within minutes of being killed by the same monster who killed her mother, in the same manner, she had almost lost him completely physically then. He had intercepted news that her assassination had been planned and paid for, and went rouge to stop it, almost getting killed in the process.

"I'm sorry Rick, I shouldn't have brought that up, I'm sure the memories are still too fresh."

"It's fine, really, I've made a lot of progress with Doctor Holcomb, I can talk about it now, hell how long has it been almost two years now?" He said,

"One year, 9 months, 4 days and 47 minutes since I found out Rick, so it's still a miracle you're here with me now." Her eyes pooled with tears as she wanted to just hug him so badly, but he wouldn't allow any contact, not since he had left her apartment the night of the fight.

"Well, I try not to remember that day, but you're welcome to if you wish, it's one of many days that all blur into one big piece of lost time, night sweats, nightmares, and finally some peace.

I do remember what Mother said the moment I came to, she and Alexis were by my bed, she in her Martha Broadway Diva Style, informed me, "You don't get to beat me out of this world, do you understand me, Richard, so you get well, and throw me a party after my last curtain call in 50 years, anything else is not acceptable Darling." He said softly with the saddest smile on his face.

"That was your Mother, it was Martha for real, you know I really loved her don't you Rick? She was the closet thing I had to a Mom in years, and she cared, she really did. I know I miss her terribly so it has to be much worse for you." Kate whispered,

"Some days are worse than others, but hey, you lived with it for a lot longer than I have so you know. For the record, she loved you too Kate, more than she loved any of the others, and she did try, God Love her for that, she tried her best. With you, it came naturally, almost like you were her real daughter sometimes," he stopped speaking when he noticed the tears fall from Kate's eyes,

"Look at the time, some of us still have bosses and have to watch the clock Captain Beckett, we'll have to talk more later." She knew it was his excuse to leave, it was barely past 1:30 PM,

"Rick, I'm sorry if I brought back bad memories, I truly didn't mean to, I'm here for you, for Alexis, whenever or for whatever you need" she grasped his hands, but let go when she noticed his flinch.

"That's appreciated Kate, I think Alexis is pretty well adjusted now, I don't tell her about everything, but she's come to grips that her Grams is gone, but in a better place, and she's totally blacked out the Coonan period of our lives. She's happy, and really that's all I ever really wanted." As he stood to leave, dropping money on the table and saying a rushed goodbye.

"Thanks, Kate, I'll see you at the service Friday, Goodbye" and he was gone. He never used the word goodbye until after Martha died, up till then, it was always Till Tomorrow, or Good Night, or Evening, never Goodbye. Kate dabbed her tears with her napkin, and slowly made her way back to the 12th precinct and her Captain's office.

She had finally come to terms with what Roy had done as a young cop, the hell he went through trying to make it right by her, and finally uprooting his entire family and disappearing through the Witsec program after providing all the evidence that was required to convict not only Bracken but all but the lowest of his soldiers as well.

She was finally able to forgive her former Captain, mentor, and friend, and ironically, with Victoria Gates going down for accepting hush money, she walked into Roy's old office as now both the youngest Detective and Precinct Captain in the history of the NYPD.

It would be two years since she had assumed command, the 15th of next month. She had cried when she heard the news and would do anything somedays to go back to the days of her, Espo, Ryan, and Rick working a case, grabbing a beer, or just enjoying their time together.

Rick had dictated the changes to the final Heat Book during his convalesces, Gina did not fight him at all, she knew there was no use, and after what she had witnessed first handily agreed with his stance.

Rook suffered massive injuries in saving Nikki from an Assassin's bullet, while she was vacationing with her latest flame, a Doctor she had met on a Harley run. Heat not aware of the incident had sent a letter to Rook telling him that he lacked the commitment to remain in their partnership and had him re-assigned by his editor to another investigative field. The book ended with Rook on a plane headed to somewhere in the Middle East, Heat and the Doctor still frolicking in the hotel.

Kate teared up with just the thought of the book, but she really broke down when she remembered his dedication to Captain Roy Montgomery. Roy had made it a point to see Rick and thank him, before his name and all evidence that he had ever existed had been tossed to the winds.

Rick was extremely proud of the work that Jordan and the entire task force had done, they had removed the blight that had flourished in the dark corners of politics and the police, and brought closure to not only her family but several more as well. He avoided her until he knew she was safe, and the threat removed from her life, then he spoke to her, but by now, it was a totally different Richard Castle, not even her Rick.

She walked over to her windows, drew the blinds closed, and locked her office door. She opened her bottom desk drawer and took out her copy of the last Nikki Heat book ever written, Extinguished Heat, and wept silently. This was one of the few perks of being Captain she thoroughly enjoyed, a moment of privacy when needed.

Xx

Rick had to leave the restaurant, he could feel the old emotions start to churn once again, and he couldn't allow that to happen, he loved her too much for that. She probably wouldn't understand, no one would unless they had been where he had been and still was. The bad news started, and never stopped it seemed for his personal life, he couldn't ask anyone to take on what he might be facing, so it was best if she thought he had abandoned the love he had, hell still has for her. Someday she would understand, someday.

He had walked to clear his head and found himself where he often ventured, at the headstone of his Mother. He found comfort there and talked to her as if she would answer any second,

"_Well Mom, it's been almost a year, I know it seemed shorter to you, but at least you don't have to remember anymore. I told you, you didn't have to worry, I'd do the remembering for us both, and I have. _

_I saw Kate today, and yeah Mom, I know I know, she was always your choice, but too much time, too much hurt has happened to just fluff it away, on both sides. She's happy, she's the Captain now, and even though she complains about the paperwork, she loves the job, and she's finally forgiven Roy Montgomery. _

_That made me happy since we all make mistakes, hell just look at her and me, ironic that she was forgiven so often and freely, but it took almost 9 months for her to forgive Roy. It made me think, has she ever truly forgiven me, will she, no matter how much she says she has, I still have my doubts._

_You probably won't remember Mike O'Dell, the young man Alexis had just met in College when your illness took a turn for the worse, he came to see me a few weeks ago, shaking like a leaf, and as afraid as any man I've seen, but he asked for Alexis's hand in marriage. You would love him, Mother, he adores Alexis, and was with her through the entire services for you. That may not sound like much, but the young man could not attend his own Father's ceremony, he has a phobia, yet he was there for Alexis every minute of every day._

_Gina told me then, we would be losing our girl soon, she just knew it. I know she wasn't your first choice Mother, but she did love you and she's been a wonderful mother to your granddaughter, so she does deserve some credit. I really don't know what I would have done without her during that time, she was there for me, for all of us._

_I made you a promise that your life would be remembered for more than just a great Actress, well I'm on my way now to talk to some people to see if we are close to keeping that promise. I know we didn't say it often when you were here, we didn't have to, but I love you, Mom, see you Friday."_

**Black Pawn Publishing**

**3:50 PM, Wed April 25th **

Rick walked the few blocks to Black Pawn Publishing and had cleared his head by the time he reached the receptionist Julie.

"Hi Rick, God you look fabulous, if I weren't engaged, I'd take you to the closet and have my way with you" she laughed,

"Sure, Sure, always the IF clause in there, how are you Julie, you look as beautiful as ever. So, when is the big day, has to be soon, right?"

"Well it would have been in three months, but we had to put a hold on it, my Mom is sick, and well with all the extra bills, we didn't want to start our new life thousands of dollars in debt." She said sadly,

"I'm sorry, what's the problem with your Mom, I thought Black Pawn had pretty decent hospitalization, "Rick said sincerely,

"Oh, we do, they were a Godsend, covered all of the medical and hospital costs, it's the chemo and radiation that is only covered partially since Mom maxed out her benefits."

"Not being nosy, well you know me well enough to know that's a lie, how much are you in the hole for with the costs, and more importantly how is she doing."

"Oh, we got the all-clear last Tuesday, she's done with treatment, but we have an outstanding balance of $350K, once we get that clear then the wedding will take place,"

"Your Mom took treatments at M.D. Anderson near your home didn't she, I have a friend on staff there, Great Hospital."

"Rick, you're so sweet to remember, yes she did, and she still is bragging about her knowing the famous Richard Castle personally, to all her lady friends"

"Your Mom raised a wonderful girl Julie, I can tell where you get your determination from, as she blushed, "Can you buzz Warren to let him know I'm here."

"Sure Rick, you don't want to see or talk to Gina, I mean it's none of my business, but she's worried about you, especially the last what is it now, a year Friday right?"

Rick lowered his head, "How did you remember Julie, it's one-year Friday, but hardly anyone, including family, ever keep track of the dates"

"It was my Birthday, and I canceled the party, I cried so hard, we all loved Martha, I still miss her. She hugged me when I was so afraid after Mom got the C-word diagnosis, and said, you don't worry, it'll all be OK, because Martha Rogers said so," she smiled sadly, "She gave me hope, I believed her and Mom is clean now, so she's our Angel"

"Maybe I'll stop by Gina's after, but for now, just keep it between us, Warren is expecting me" Rick smiled,

"Anything for you Rick," as she buzzed, and a few minutes later, an attractive lady in her late 30's came out the door, "Hi Rick, follow me, he's expecting you." She said quietly

"Hi Gayle, good to see you again, it's been a while, how have you been."

"Well few changes, Ron and I are divorced, he didn't want kids but wanted to bring home a youngster to play with when I wasn't home, so that's new. The dating scene sucks for people my age, God you think when you say you're 33 you have leprosy or something", she laughed. "How about you, still taking it slow, getting back in the water?"

"Yeah, still the same, too many things going on right now, and well you know how it is," just as he finished, a tall grey-haired man walked over and took him into a bro hug,

"Rick, God it's been far too long, you look well. How do you feel?"

"Hi Warren, pretty well, some pulling and stiffness from time to time, but overall great considering what I went through or so they tell me."

"Warren, before we get into our meeting, can I address some issues with Gayle?"

Warren looked worried, but replied, "Of course Rick, what do you need?"

"Well, Gina's receptionist Julie has a birthday this Friday, the poor girl canceled her party last year when Mother passed away on the same day. She's gone through some tough times, her Mom had cancer, and is in remission now, but is facing some medical bills. Gayle, I want you to send payment in full to M.D. Anderson for her account, and also issue a check for $50,000 for her Birthday present to get the wedding back on track. Don't tell anyone where the money came from, OK?"

Gayle walked over and hugged Rick, right in front of her boss, and kissed his cheek, "Rick Castle, you are an angel to so many here, Thank You so very much, I know how broken up Jules was, but now, God Rick, this is so generous. I love you, so if you ever get tired of chasing phonies call me, oops sorry boss, Gina is your niece and certainly not a phony,"

Warren and Rick both laugh, then Gayle kissed Rick as if she meant what she had said, before letting him go into his meeting.

"So how are we doing Warren with the book, the PR, and the release date"

"Well, A Mother's Love, is the last book any Castle groupie would be looking for, so I'm glad we're publishing under Alex Richards, with your fake bio. We had to hide it until Gina left the management meeting last week, she could spot your writing from a mile away. Harold, the editor who actually trained Gina has already approved all of the changes, and we should start publication tomorrow, first copy to be delivered to you on Friday, after the Anniversary Mass, if that's OK with you"

"It's fine, just be sure it comes well concealed, I have no idea of how many people will find their way back to the loft, or for how long."

"Will do, …. And Rick, Martha would be proud of you, this is one of your finest works, I think we'll have a best seller, I know that isn't why you wrote it, but just imagine how much of your Mother's Love you are spreading throughout the world,"

"Thanks, Warren, I have to stop to see Gina, make up some excuse to be here, so I better get thinking,"

"Just tell her I called you to catch up and asked you to stop by to chat, just to see if our most important author needed anything, she'll buy that, since I already told her I was going to do it" he smiled,

"Thanks, Warren, you two are related for sure, both devious as hell, but kind beyond a fault, talk to you soon," as he left the office. Gayle got up to show him out, and once again hugged him, and whispered, it's taken care of, but I was serious Rick, call me, if you need anything, just call me," this time she kissed his cheek, and allowed him to pass.


	3. Chapter 3

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Will do, …. And Rick, Martha would be proud of you, this is one of your finest works, I think we'll have a best seller, I know that isn't why you wrote it, but just imagine how much of your Mother's Love you are spreading throughout the world,"_

"_Thanks, Warren, I have to stop to see Gina, make up some excuse to be here, so I better get thinking,"_

"_Just tell her I called you to catch up and asked you to stop by to chat, just to see if our most important author needed anything, she'll buy that, since I already told her I was going to do it" he smiled, _

***************************************************************************************/

**Chapter 3**

**Black Pawn Publishing **

**One Hour Later**

**Gina Cowell's Office**

Rick took the private elevator down and walked around the building to the front, just in case Gina was around to see who was exiting the executive suites, He saw Julie on the phone when he walked in, then saw her break out into tears, as she began to tremble,

He politely handed her his handkerchief when he heard her say,

"_Mom, don't worry about it, your prayers were answered, God sent an Angel to pay the balance and yes Mom, the wedding is back on schedule. The best present is, you are going to be there, to dance with my husband and me, and Daddy, I don't know what he would have done. OK, Mom, I have to go, I'm still at work, and I'll call you as soon as I get home, OK," as_ she cried happy tears, and wiped her face with Rick's hankie.

She completely lost it sobbing so hard Gina came from her office to see what the problem was when she saw Rick.

"Hey Rick, how are you, do you know anything about this? Is she OK? I see your hankie in her hand, so you must have been here?"

Julie continued to sob, while Rick tried to downplay, "I think she got some good news and her wedding is back on schedule, those are happy tears she told her Mom when I arrived"

"Rick, (long pause) What did you do, I know it was you by the look on your face. It's the only time your eyes actually sparkled since, well in a long time is when you help someone else, so level with me, what did you do?"

Julie had regained some of her composure, torn her headset from her head and was around her desk hugging Rick and kissing his cheek, "

"Anonymous my Ass, Rick Why did you pay over $350K for my family, you hardly know me? I mean I love you, and we all thank you but why did you do it?" Julie was still trembling,

"I didn't" then he saw a mini Gina glare and the original one from his ex-wife as both ladies were staring him down, "OK, maybe I helped a little, it's only money, and your Mom and your wedding are so much more important than that. It made me feel good, so I did it, OK, it was supposed to be anonymous so please don't tell your Mom, I didn't do it for anything but for your happiness.

"When you told me, you canceled your birthday party to mourn my Mother, it touched me deeply, Julie not many people love others the way you do, so I just tried to help your Mom as you helped us."

Gina had a tissue in her hand now, and was fighting hard not to cry, here he was, still hurting from the loss of his Mom, still not over the ordeal of almost dying at the hands of an assassin, but he was concerned about others and had just paid off medical bills for a young lady so she could get married while her parents were still healthy,

"You know Rick, it's days like this that make it so clear why I fell in love with, and still love you with all of my heart, you just don't know what a special human being you are" She whispered between her tears,

"Thank you, Rick, it sounds like so little, but it's all I have to give, except my love and prayers to you and yours, that you will be blessed like my family just was. Gina, I'm sorry but I have to kiss him," and kiss him she did. She held him sobbing for almost 5 minutes till she slowly quieted, and he dabbed the last of her tears with his spare hankie.

"Rick, you have to do one more thing for me, OK?" Julie got out still holding on to him

"What do you need Julie, just tell me?" he replied so quietly,

"You have to be there at the wedding, and dance at least one dance with me, Please?"

"It would be my honor Julie, if I can breathe and walk, I will be there, I promise you," Rick said as he kissed the young lady's cheek and patted her hand.

Gina had come around and had her arm around his waist now, laying her head on his shoulder and he now tried to comfort her, as they walked into her office,

"You never cease to amaze and surprise me, Rick, I didn't know that she had postponed her wedding, and I certainly didn't know it was because of the medical expenses. I mean I work with her 10-14 hours a day, and you walk in and in five minutes have all the details, I'll never know how you do it. Thank you for caring about everyone, not just your family but everyone you meet."

"You're welcome Genes, and don't put yourself down, there's no way she would have shared that with you as her boss, it's just too private. The only reason she talked to me, was because I found out she canceled her birthday party last year when Mother passed, it really touched me, and I guess she felt safe in sharing her troubles too. Hell, it's only money, how much does anyone really need anyway?"

That brought a laugh and a look from Gina as to say WTH, not all have your money but she didn't say it.

"Well thank you, Rick, I know you touched more than just her today, so as you always say about Karma, it's about time for your good deeds to be rewarded." She smiled, trying to get him to open up,

"Well, I'm sort of rethinking this Karma issue, I mean I'm not sure I still think the way I did back when we were together, it's been a tough stretch for me."

"I'm sure it will come back to you Rick, you of all people have had more than your share of bad things happen to you, especially the last two years, but you can't change your belief now, hell you almost had me believing in it" she poked him gently in the ribs,

He smiled, but it was the press smile, the only spark of life Gina had witnessed within his soul was when he knew he had made a difference in Julie's family

"By the way, why are you all the way uptown this afternoon, did we have a meeting scheduled I forgot?"

Rick laughed, for the first time in a long time it felt good and natural to let it go.

He smiled again, this time it was for real,

"No Darling, I was in the neighborhood and thought I would pop in on the ole girl", in a very dreadful English Accent,

This time it was Gina doing the laughing, and again it was sincere, Rick smiled from ear to ear as she struggled to regain her composure, she was in the office for God's sake, and that was what made it so special to Rick, he got her at the spot she always appeared to be invincible at, the office. Finally, her laugh broke down into giggles, he had never heard Gina giggle before, and he started laughing which just extended the cycle.

Finally, after 5 minutes of laughter and tears totally destroying her makeup, she regained her composure, that is till he held a mirror up and showed her the raccoon eyes her tears had left behind, and they both laughed again. She hugged him to stop herself from shaking, and she felt a bolt of electricity go through her, almost like old times. Then she realized that Rick had pulled her in tight, laid her head on his shoulder and just swayed gently with her like the old days.

Neither heard Julie close the office door and put up the meeting in session sign, meaning do not enter, especially Gina Cowell's office. Julie smiled, she knew Gina was still madly in love with Rick, but ever since his near-death experience, it was almost like he was afraid to let go of his love, that he didn't want to hurt as he had, or even more he didn't want to hurt others. That experience had really fucked him up good Julie thought, God why did terrible shit happen to the most wonderful people, it wasn't fair.

She didn't know how long they had been in that position, but she sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to break it. This was the most loved she had felt since, well since the old days. Finally, Rick said quietly, still holding her tightly,

"Genes, I'm so sorry for all of the bad things I've done to you, we both know what broke up our marriage, and I was terrible to you, I'm so very sorry. Please forgive me, "

She didn't move, except to pull him to her tighter, "Rick, what happened in the past is gone and done, and Love, I don't have anything I need to forgive you for. It was all forgiven the day I had to face the fact that you were in love with Kate Beckett, and I would never have another chance with you to correct what I, you, hell we screwed up.

We were good together Rick, I know I was happy, and I'm pretty sure you were as well." She breathed, as she began to rub the tension from his back and shoulders so gently,

"God, you never forgot how to do that did you, I know I'm a mess, I know something is wrong with me and I've tried to work it out, on my own, in-group, and finally I saw the leading shrink, but I still feel almost empty inside. Almost like something that is supposed to be there has been cut and thrown away, like the day that maniac severed my arteries. I was so afraid Gina, so afraid I would die and leave you and Alexis alone, I knew you would take care of her, but that was the biggest reason I fought to live."

"Rick, I always thought you fought to stay alive for Alexis and your detective, not me. God, I'm so sorry, I didn't visit you more, or take care of you better." Tears fall from her eyes landing on his shoulder, as she sniffles,

"See, I couldn't even almost get killed without fucking it up. I know you and Pumpkin were furious with me when you found out what I had been doing."

"Hey leave the fucking up part out of it, but yeah Alexis and I were both furious, not half as much as your mother who I think had a one on one with Kate to tell her what she thought. Thank God, she never had one of those sessions with me, I would have crumbled and died right on the spot."

"Genes, in all honesty by the time I found out what was about to happen to her, I already knew there could never be anything between us. People ask then Why, Why did you do it, the simple answer was Jim Beckett had asked me to protect her, and I gave him my word, stupid reason, but you're the only one I have ever told this to."

Gina thinks she feels a few tears drop but she isn't about to risk losing him opening up to her,

"Oh Sweetie, you can talk about it with me, I promise I won't judge you. You have to know by now that no matter what happens, I will always love you, Rick, so please, please talk to me, let's see if we can find a way to get you back to our old Rick, OK?"

"Just like old times, me pouring my heart out, and you the silent strong one, Genes I am truly sorry, if I could change anything in the world it would be to give you what you wanted, please believe me"

"I do Rick, I always did, and always will. You have made me the happiest woman in the world many times I never told you, allowing me to be Alexis's Mom and for her loving me the way she does, I couldn't ask for much more, now all I ask is that we find a way to get your happiness back, and I promise you, I am with you, me and you against the world if need be till we do, Pinky Promise", she lifted one hand without moving her head, he took her pinky in his, interlocked it for a moment, then his arm went back around her tighter than ever, almost as if he were afraid of something.

He was silent, just holding her, but she could feel his breaths labor, he was definitely more than just depressed, and she had to find out how to help him without chasing him away.

"Genes, you know I hate doctors, right"

"I remember Sweetheart"

"Well, I've been to about ten and none of them can do me any good, they all say it's depression about Mother, but"

"They're wrong Sweetheart, and we'll keep looking till we find one that knows what the hell it is and they fix you. I promise. Rick, please don't take this the wrong way, but how much do you sleep at night, if you sleep at all? "

"Not much, maybe an hour here, an hour there, but the nightmares, and I'm so alone, it just comes back and seems so real,"

"Rick, may I move into the Loft with you, no hanky panky, no funny business, I just want to be there with you, you need to rest Darling you are exhausted, and you're going to get really sick if you don't get some rest, please don't make me beg, I wi"

"OK, but can you sleep in my bed, I promise, no hanky panky I'll be good"

She can't stand it any longer she gently kissed him on the lips, and whispered "I got you, sweetie, not going to let anything happen to you, I promise"

His return kiss was much longer but just as sweet, this wasn't a romantic interlude, it was two people who loved each other attending to the needs of the other, what real love was all about.

"Sorry about that I me"

"Rick, I'm not sorry, we take things at your pace, but never be sorry, we were married and I never stopped loving you, and I never will. Thank you, I appreciate you letting me in and we'll find out the problem, together" One more sweet kiss, and the car service was being ordered. They were stopping by Gina's to pick up some things, then to the Loft.

Gina called Alexis from the privacy of her bathroom, and let her know the plan.

"Thank God Mom, I have been out of my mind with worry, I'm so glad you'll be with him, we'll see you over the weekend, and Mom, Thanks for always loving us all, I know we can be a handful"

"Sure thing Baby, always have and always will."


	4. Chapter 4

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"Genes, you know I hate doctors, right"

"I remember Sweetheart"

"Well, I've been to about ten and none of them can do me any good, they all say it's depression about Mother, but"

"They're wrong Sweetheart, and we'll keep looking till we find one that knows what the hell it is and they fix you. I promise. Rick, please don't take this the wrong way, but how much do you sleep at night, if you sleep at all? "

**************************************************************************************/

**Chapter 4**

**Castle's Loft **

**Two Hours Later, **

Rick must have wanted to ask her to stay for quite some time, the bathroom was fully stocked with every toiletry that she used, including her body wash which she had changed after the divorce and her perfume, again different now than when she was Mrs. Castle. He had even bought her a new hypo-allergenic pillow, just in case she needed a spare. She realized how lonely, how frightened he really must be when she noticed the added security features to the loft, windows, doors, and he had added a panic room, with satellite telephone equipment.

She would have kidded him in the old days, but back then those were his toys, today he had a dependency on them to help keep him safe. It dawned on Gina, that No Doctor, or Trained personnel, had seen Rick till weeks after the actual attack, in fact, it was two days before he was released and the appointment only lasted two hours maximum, but she was going to check out PTSD and the available help around first thing tomorrow.

She laid down on the bed, careful to give him plenty of room, she chose her side, from the old days. He walked in from the shower, hair wet, and a bit messy but looking chiseled and toned as she had never seen him before.

"Damn Rick, is Yves taking new clients, if she could get you to look like that with all the ice cream that was in this house, she's not a trainer, she's a miracle worker," she smiled, but he could tell her eyes never left his torso.

"Just one more thing I'm sorry for Genes, when we were dating I worked out twice a day, but once we got married, I got lazy and gained 40 pounds, you never said a word, but that was wrong, just another way I took you for granted, and I'm so sorry," Rick actually had tears in his eyes, almost like he was trying to punish himself for every misdeed he had ever done in his life,

Gina pulled him towards her, laid his head on her breast, "Baby, please stop saying I'm sorry, there's nothing to be sorry for. I'm here for you now, just tell me if I crowd you or make you uncomfortable, OK,?" she was greeted with a soft snore coming from him, looking more like a scared little boy than the warrior she knew he was. She was going to find out what happened, and they were going to get him right if it took the rest of their lives.

She hit the remote to close the night blinds, and then the lights, and she just held him, almost losing her mind that she was this close, and they were talking. He actually asked for help which had to be so humbling for him, but she would be there for him, no matter what.

She had just begun to doze off when the first wave of nightmares hit him, he thrashed, and moaned, until she could get him awake, the only way she knew, well it used to work was a deep kiss with a lot of tongue, thankfully he pulled back wet with sweat, but just laid his head back on her breast and stroked her hair gently,

"Thanks, Genes, I'm sorry but there will probably be more during the night."

"That's what I'm here for Sweetie, just lay back, go back to sleep, I got you."

True to his prediction, Gina spent most of the night, holding, consoling, and waking Rick from the more violent dreams. Each time he apologized and her heart broke that all she could do for him was to be there, to hold him.

Finally, he fell into a restful sleep about 4:00 AM, his arm around her, as she rubbed small circles on his forearm to hopefully jog a peaceful memory. His response was the same as it had been when they were married, he gently massaged her nipple, even still asleep, she knew the good memories were still there. It wasn't sexual, but it was intimate, she felt part of him once again, even though she knew, someone else owned the major part of his heart, she was certain one small piece still belonged to her.

She awoke at 7:30 AM to the smell of coffee, and cinnamon toast, as he walked through the bedroom door.

"Good Morning Genes, I know I kept you up all night last night, but it was the first time I slept more than an hour without any bad memories. I remembered holding you as you made your little love circles on my forearm, Oh God did I do what I used to do?" His face turning crimson, and his mouth flew open,

She laughed until she cried, he finally sat the tray down and held her as she continued to laugh, finally he laughed as well.

"Rick, the answer to your question is yes, but I could have stopped it easily, I enjoy revisiting memories, the good ones, as often as I can. That's when I knew you had finally relaxed enough for me to fall asleep. Sweetie, how long have you fought this alone?" she asked now with tears in her eyes,

"Pretty much since I got home from Jordan and Tom's place in Chicago. I filled my mind with memories of their home, and little Brianna kept Uncle Rick pretty busy so I guess I was so distracted I couldn't think about it.

When I got home, well Mother wasn't doing well, so once again I was so busy, I think I could push it out of my mind, to get at least a few hours' sleep. Things were not great but good, better than they had been, then Kate and I had the huge falling out, and it just tumbled out of control. With Mother's illness, trying to stay strong for Alexis, Genes, I don't know what we would have done without you during that time.

Once I lost Mother, well they seemed to come on every night, and the next night would be a double feature. So here I am, after seeing as many doctors this past year as I had in my entire lifetime before, I'm still a mess, still dealing with something I don't understand or can control. I'm sorry I'm so weak, Genes, I know that's not the man you married,

"Richard Castle if I hear you say you are weak one more time, I'm going to do a repeat of that time in Vail, you remember that time you pissed me off," she said sincerely,

"Oh God No Gina, the jewels couldn't stand another hot wax job, not now, not ever," but he laughed, the sincere laugh and bent down to kiss her gently. She pulled him in for a deeper kiss,

"Rick, we both have changed since the divorce, but I will never leave you, not as long as you or Alexis need me, I'm yours, and no matter what, I still love you. Shhh" she held her finger across his lips, "I know the score here, you never led me on, but you see I can love you and you can't stop me, I'm happy just to be here with you. Like I told you we go at your pace, but we are going to find out the root cause of this, I'm not leaving you until we do. I do want to ask you one favor if you will?" her head went low and tears were in her eyes,

"Genes, looking at you now I can guess what it is, you want me to talk to Kate and tell her about our arrangement, right?"

She looked at him, and there was a look on his face almost of dread, certainly not a happy look.

"I mean Rick, Kate loves you, she's messed up a lot, but she still loves you and if our roles were reversed, I would want to know why suddenly she was living with you, I mean women are jealous, more jealous than men. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do, but I think a general explanation would go a long way for her."

"I'll do it Genes, but only because you asked me to. I'm not telling her why other than some medical issues have come up and I can't live alone until they are cleared up. What happens in the Loft, especially between you and me, stays here. It's really none of her business, but I'll tell her because you asked me."

Gina wrapped her arms around his neck, "Thanks Rick, I know you wouldn't hurt anyone and this might help her from thinking her last shot at love has come and gone if she believes you. If not, then she'll self-destruct like she always has in the past, but Sweetie, you gave her every chance, so it'll be on her. OK?"

"OK, I'll call her in a few minutes, and Genes, Thanks for loving us all so deeply, I know this part is killing you and I promise, I won't ever flaunt it in your face."

"OK, Thanks Rick," as she kissed him gently and rolled out of bed headed to the bathroom to allow him the privacy he needed, well she needed as well. She hid the tears till she had reached the shower and then she let her tears flow. Why did love have to be so hard?

Xx

Rick struggled with the thought of calling Kate, he knew from her background she would want to know details he wasn't ready to release. He had gone to his office, pulled out his laptop and typed out the outline of what he wanted to say, when it came to the medical issue all he would tell her would be that it wasn't life-threatening but dangerous and the doctor had ordered him to either invite a guest, or move to a rehab facility. He had seen enough of those to know what his choice would be, and he hoped she wouldn't press for details like it was one of her interrogations.

Finally, he was ready, he dialed her office phone from his desk phone and put it on speaker, he wanted Gina to know he wasn't hiding anything from her.

Gina was walking by when she heard her voice on Rick's landline from his office,

"12th Precinct, Homicide, Captain Kate Beckett speaking",

"Hi Kate, it's Rick, do you have a few minutes to talk, it's a sensitive subject and I would appreciate it if you kept the details to just you. If this time isn't good, let me know and I'll call you later? His voice, once again professional, not any sign of the old Rick hidden anywhere,

"No Rick, I can talk, I just got out of a meeting, hang on one moment, he heard her door close and the sound of her blinds lower, "Thanks, the office is secure now, is anything wrong Rick, I'm getting worried,"

"No need to worry, I've been seeing the doctors and well they have come up with one medical issue, not life-threatening, but potentially dangerous, and would not let me continue to stay in the Loft alone. Please don't interrupt me, I need to tell you this, and I know you'll have questions, but I can't answer them now. I'm calling just to keep you in the loop, and so you don't jump to conclusions when you hear the news.

I either have to check back into the Rehab Center, which I would rather die, or have someone stay with me, till the situation has been corrected. I was at Black Pawn, in Gina's office when the doctor called, and, eh, well, no other way to say this Kate. Gina is living at the loft, monitoring me as the doctor required. The details of her living here, or the medical condition, other than what I've told you are not open for discussion. I wanted, actually, Gina asked me to call you to tell you before the Paparazzi see her and start printing all kinds of lies. Again, the condition is not life-threatening but needs attention and monitoring. We wanted you to hear it from me, and the reason why, before the lies begin."

"Eh, I, uh Thanks for telling me, Rick. Tell Gina I said thanks for being so thoughtful, but are you sure you're not holding something back from me, I mean Rick you know how I feel, and yes I screwed up, but please don't be a hero this time, let me in, please."

"Kate, as I said, don't worry, it's just something the doctors will need time to come up with a solution, again, I'm not dying, far from it, but I just can't say anything more than that now."

"Rick, tell Gina, if she needs to get away, I would be happy to stay a night or two, in the guest room, of course, I mean I'm here if you need me, I know I've told you that, but I am really Rick, just ask."

"Thanks, Kate, that's sweet of you, but Gina has her home office setup and the days she needs to check-in, I will see one of the doctors while she works, so it worked out almost perfectly. I just didn't want you to worry, or go crazy as you do sometimes, you know what I mean,"

"Yeah, I can see, you've got it all worked out, but the offer stands, and Rick, please don't forget how I feel, I know right now you don't, won't or can't return the feelings, but I know how you felt at one time, and please promise me you'll tell me if anything changes, please."

Gina had made her way into Rick's office, hair pulled back behind her shoulder, and wearing her robe,

"Kate, this is Gina, I promise we'll let you know if anything changes, I wanted you to know woman to woman, this is not what most are going to make it out to be, so please get those thoughts out of your head, don't screw up what's left of your chance, just please support us from afar"

"Thanks, Gina, I guess I'll see you at the service tomorrow, Thanks for letting me know the true story, I appreciate it."

"See you tomorrow Captain" Rick replied then the line went dead.

Kate fought the tears for a few minutes then caved and let them fall as they might. Gina living with Rick, something to do with health reasons, she wanted him to tell me about it, not him wanting to, maybe she had lost what little of the last chance she was holding on to for a reconnection with Rick, God this sucked.


	5. Chapter 5

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Yeah, I can see, you've got it all worked out, but the offer stands, and Rick, please don't forget how I feel, I know right now you don't, won't or can't return the feelings, but I know how you felt at one time, and please promise me you'll tell me if anything changes, please."_

_Gina had made her way into Rick's office, hair pulled back behind her shoulder, and wearing her robe,_

"_Kate, this is Gina, I promise we'll let you know if anything changes, I wanted you to know woman to woman, this is not what most are going to make it out to be, so please get those thoughts out of your head, don't screw up what's left of your chance, just please support us from afar"_

_************************************************************************************/_

**Chapter 5**

**Castle's Loft **

After the call, Gina left to get dressed, and when she returned, she found Rick sitting in his chair, staring out the window. His sadness filled the room, but she wasn't exactly sure of why, had she overstepped, or had she said something that hurt him? She lived with this man for almost 5 years, and now she couldn't read what was going on in his mind.

Breaking the silence, she started off slowly and calmly,

"Rick, I know that bothered you, so thank you for making the call for me. You didn't hurt her, you saved her from a bigger hurt had she read the lies we both know are going to be printed soon. You have nothing to be sorry for Sweetheart, please believe me" it was then he turned his face towards her,

"I'm sorry Gina, it wasn't her I was thinking about, it was you crying in the shower after you asked me to call her, that's what I was thinking about," he said sadly

"What makes you think I cried in the shower?" he gave her that look, the one that they shared during their married days,

"Because I know how much it hurts you to see me think about, talk about, or even write about her. You only cried in the shower when we were together, so that's how I knew. At first, I thought it wasn't a big deal, that you would get over the jealousy, but now I realize it wasn't jealousy, every love scene, every kiss, every intimate moment I wrote between Nikki and Rook, you imagined that Kate and I had experienced it.

I'm an insensitive Ass, I did to you what she and Demming did to me, I just disguised the characters with different names, and let you draw conclusions that were hurtful, without me even considering your feelings. Please forgive me Genes, really over 95% of that stuff was just my fantasies, and I'm not sure which is more hurtful, me thinking or wanting them to happen, or you think I really did. Either way, I hurt you deeply, and I am so sorry."

"Hey, stop that. You don't have to keep saying you're sorry Rick, I know, I really do know now that you love me, and always wanted the best for me. I don't think you are capable of deliberately hurting someone, let's get this problem fixed, and then take it day by day. The only thing I want is for you to be happy if it's with me, I'll be over the moon, BUT if it's with Kate, as long as she treats you right, I can live with that now, I really can."

She walked over to him gently sat in his lap and put her arms around his neck. They held each other for the longest time until Rick squirmed to get the blood flow restored to his legs,

"I'm sorry Rick, why didn't you just tell me to move?"

"Because I missed those times so much, I really didn't appreciate them as they were happening but looking back now, they were some of the best moments of my life."

She helped him up and they moved to the couch, sitting as close to each other as possible, just holding hands, lost in their thoughts.

"You know Genes, when I thought it was over, I thought I would never see Alexis, Mother or you again, that was when I became angry. I got so mad that this bastard was trying to take me away from my family, I fought like hell to get back to you all."

"Rick can I ask you about the dreams, I mean I'm no expert, but Sweetie, you were yelling something last night, and I just want to know what to do, I don't want to hurt you, and the only way I could wake you was, well the way we used to do back in the good days" she blushed,

The smile on Rick's face was her smile the sincere little boy look, "Well it seemed to work, and you have my permission to wake me up any time using the DTS methodology."

"DTS Methodology? What the hell is that, oh don't tell me you made it up didn't you, OK Buster out with it what does it stand for" she laughing now as she is locked onto his eyes.

"I can tell you if you wish, but I think a demonstration would be more beneficial" he was back if only for a few minutes her Rick was back,

"OK, I'm ga" as her words caught in her throat, as Rick pulled her into a deep kiss, using tongue, a lot of tongue, allowing her control, then retaking it till finally, they broke apart because of lack of air.

"Wow" was echoed by them both,

"I haven't been kissed like that since we parted Rick, God that was good." She said, blushing still holding her lock on his eyes,

"Really? Because I haven't kissed anyone like that since we were together, oh and DTS stands for deep tongue stimulation", he laughed

"I like it, Rick, thanks for the demonstration, I may need a refresher when it gets closer to bedtime" she joked, as she kissed him sweetly. "Now I know who Bracken was, but who was Coonan, you kept yelling his name and thrashing last evening."

Rick's mood turned serious again, and Gina wished for a moment she hadn't asked.

"Dick Coonan was the bastard that actually killed Kate's mother, Johanna, and was the hitman sent to kill her. I was shadowing her, trying to prevent the hit from happening, when he caught on to me and turned the tale on me.

I got him to talk since he was so cocky, but he's the one that cut my arteries and threw me out of the car, saying enjoy your last five minutes on earth Ricky, while your cop is fucking the boy toy boyfriend of hers, then I went black. Jordan got to me, and I think you know the rest."

"Rick have you told your Doctor all of this, including the names, and by the way, where was Kate when this was happening anyway?"

His downward look to the floor told her what she didn't want to hear, "She was with Demming, in a hotel, supposed to be on call, but when they tried to reach her it went to voice mail, she was my ICE contact, so Jordan stepped in and took charge. She swung her weight around telling the hospital that I was a Federal Witness and if I died because of some of their bureaucratic red tape, some people were going to jail for a long time,"

I guess you got there and then all kinds of shit starting happening. Between you and Jordan I don't know who they were afraid of more" he smiled.

"That was awful Rick, God I never want to be part of that again, you were fighting for your life, and I was fighting airlines to get to you. I felt awful it took me so long, I know I cried all the way to the hospital from the airport, I just felt so bad. Alexis and Jordan greeted me, and it seemed like I was forgiven,"

"Forgiven? For What? I was the one who lied, I told you and my family I was going to the Hamptons, you went to the Book Conference, not to some hotel in upper Manhattan to fuck your boyfriends brains out just like Coonan rubbed it in before I passed out" he said, becoming more agitated, until he realized, "I'm sorry Genes, it's just how could she be that shallow, and why the hell didn't I see what I had with you before?"

Gina saw the same pained look on his face as he was describing Beckett being with Demming as she had during his nightmares last evening. She wasn't a Doctor, but it was clear there was more than one thing going on, the hurt towards Kate, the guilt he felt about their marriage, the failure to be with Alexis as he promised, and leaving his Mother before she did, all elements in his dreams and mumbles, but she would bet the farm that no doctor had ever treated him for what was so obvious to her, PTSD with those underlying causes.

"Genes, you're thinking about something, I know that look on your face, you want to share your thoughts?" Rick was bouncing back to trying to be happy, but the serious undertones were still in his voice.

"I was thinking, after the service tomorrow, Alexis and Mike will spend the day with us, then how about we hop on a flight to Chicago and go see Tom, Jordan and Brianna, what do you say?"

"I'd say you have something up your sleeve, but maybe we should call to see where Jordy is going to be. If they're home, I'd like to see them again, the last time I was still pretty dark, I know."

"Yeah, I know they would love that, they love you like family, I'll call Jordan, while you make us some late lunch or early dinner, OK? Unless you want me to cook" she laughed,

"No, No you handle the call, I'll take care of the kitchen", he held her on his lap for just a moment, "Thank you for caring, for loving me so much, I hope I can give you what you want soon, as he kissed her sweetly, and held her tightly for just a few extra seconds.

"Yeah, that would be great, but as I said, let's get you well, everything else will work it's self out", she stole one more kiss then was off his lap and headed to the office.

Rick was busy in the kitchen cooking up one of Gina's favorite meals, Chicken Stir Fry, with Rice Noodles, and a side salad with seasonal fruits and vegetables. No wonder she was able to keep that smoking hot body he thought, she watched her diet, exercise, and sleep. She was in her mid-30's but still got ogled by the check out bag boys at the market. Stop it now Rick he thought, he was always physically attracted to her, but it wouldn't be fair to start something up, till his life was back on track. Hell, right now he wasn't fit to live with himself much less anyone else.

Gina called Jordan's cell phone and was surprised at how happy she sounded hearing from her,

"Gina, my Gosh, it's great to hear from you, everything is OK isn't it, I mean Rick and Alexis are OK, tell me please?"

"Slow down Jordan, everyone is fine, well mostly. I moved back into the loft a few days ago, Rick is having horrible nightmares, and panic attacks, I won't leave him alone to deal with it. Tomorrow is the one-year memorial mass for Martha, so we thought after that, if you had some time, we'd fly over to see you guys."

"Great, the timing is perfect, we were supposed to go on vacation next week with two other couples from Tom's work, but one broke her arm, and the other was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis, so we have the entire week free now. When do you want to come, Brianna is going to be so excited to see Uncle Rwik" she laughed,

"Let me check the flights and I'll text you the itinerary, that's a slight chance that Alexis and her boyfriend may come too, but I have to talk to her, if they come it will be just for the day, they are still in school."

"Sounds great, and Gina, I'm glad you're back in the loft, I worried about him so much, but he's just so damned stubborn, take care of him for me, please?"

"I'll do my best, I love the lug myself, she whispered, just as Rick announced that dinner was awaiting his fair princess.

Jordan laughed, "Wow, whatever you're doing keep it up, he hasn't kidded like that for a very long time. See you next week, send our love to all" as the line went dead.

Gina ended the call, and just basked in the moment, for one moment she was back to his fair princess. Now it was time to get him well, and set him free if he returned to her, then he was hers, if not he never was. Either way, she was prepared, the only thing that mattered to her now was hearing him laugh and knowing his nightmares were over, she had enough of those to understand how badly they hurt.


	6. Chapter 6

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

_I got him to talk since he was so cocky, but he's the one that cut my arteries and threw me out of the car, saying enjoy your last five minutes on earth Ricky, while your cop is fucking the boy toy boyfriend of hers, then I went black. Jordan got to me, and I think you know the rest."_

"_Rick have you told your Doctor all of this, including the names, and by the way, where was Kate when this was happening anyway?"_

_His downward look to the floor told her what she didn't want to hear, "She was with Demming, in a hotel, supposed to be on call, but when they tried to reach her it went to voice mail, she was my ICE contact, so Jordan stepped in and took charge. She swung her weight around telling the hospital that I was a Federal Witness and if I died because of some of their bureaucratic red tape, some people were going to jail for a long time,"_

**********************************************************************************/

**Chapter 6**

**Saint Michaels Church**

**Friday, 9:00 AM**

Gina had gotten Rick to fall asleep for a few hours during the day yesterday, which improved his strength tremendously. Last night had been a tough night, Rick had not had the nightmares so much as he was sad the one-year anniversary was already here.

**Flashback 24 hours **

He had been delivered a letter from Martha's attorney, which was a complete surprise, this morning. Inside the package of legal jumbo was a handwritten letter from Martha herself, it touched him as he first saw it, then reverently picked it up and traced the handwriting, tears coming to his eyes.

"Rick, I can leave you to your thoughts or Sweetie, I'll be right here, you have to tell me what you want." She whispered to him.

"Stay," was barely audible as she felt her hand being grasped,

"OK Rick, I'm right here, I've got you, Sweetie, now open the letter slowly and carefully. You know your Mother had a reason for everything, so there has to be a reason for her sending this package a year later."

He looked at Gina, who gently patted his hand and whispered, "Go ahead, I'm here, nothing to worry about."

The legal papers were copies showing that Martha had tried to locate Rick's biological father over all the years. It was virtually a storyboard of who she contacted, when, the charges she paid for documentation and there at the last page was a name, Jackson Hunt.

She had affixed a post-it note to the next line down,

"_Richard Darling, why must you insist on doing everything your way, please read my letter, then you will understand what all this means, at least I hope you do" Mother_

Rick opened the letter as his hands trembled, and took out the stationary he recognized buying her for her birthday the year before the bad news came. He took the sheets from the envelope and paused, Gina beat him to it, she dabbed his eyes, and kissed his cheek, then patted his hand. Gaining strength, he began to read,

"_Dear Richard,_

_If the attorneys we both have overpaid for so long have done their job, you should be reading this on the one-year anniversary of my passing. I'm so sorry Son, I know the last days had to be very hard for you and Alexis, but I ask you not to focus on that time but on happier days. _

_The little box should contain all of the pictures I had of you when you were born, I know I told you I didn't have any, but it would have made you ask questions I wasn't ready or couldn't answer. I'm sorry for that lie, but my son, it was for your good. You see much of what I told you was true, I did have a lifetime of love in one night, but I also had contact with your father throughout the years._

_I'm sure you knew there were many times I worried about earning enough to pay rent, yet we always survived. Your Father, call him Jackson Hunt, not his real name but as close as we will ever come, always made sure we were warm, fed, and looked after even though he could not be with us. He paid a high personal price to protect and serve, so when you think of him, try to remember he did the best he could. I can't reveal any more than that, other than to remind you not everyone who seeks training by the CIA is granted their wish, I'm sure you will or have figured it out by now._

_Knowing you Richard, you probably are asking yourself, why now, why did Mother arrange a letter to be delivered from the grave, well as a matter of speech. I know you went for Genetic Testing, the day you found out about my illness, and Son, if you haven't heard anything by now, __**YOU DON'T HAVE that gene**__, meaning Alexis can't either. I know how much you worried, so I arranged to have your samples tested as part of my early treatment because as your Mother, I can take anything EXCEPT knowing I passed along something like this to you._

_With the good news, and I'm sure it is, I would ask you to continue to watch your health and monitor your blood tests, just to be absolutely certain. Richard, Thank You for loving me enough to put your life on hold, not just part, but your entire being was dedicated to my care. I remember when I was asked who would take care of me, and I said, my son. Someone replied, yes as long as your money holds out, and I replied, well the jokes on him because he supports me. _

_That shut up an entire room, and I enjoyed being the one Mother who was loved and revered by her family, so Thank You, Richard. You once said we didn't say the words often, but then again, we didn't need to, we knew the love between the two of us would never be broken._

_Now, I need you to do one more thing for me, and I know it will be hard, but I need you to do your best, as you always do, Please? Richard, LIVE again, your life has been on hold for so many different reasons, and God Bless Gina, I don't know how that angel stood in there as long as she did. Please, start each day doing something you love, I would love to see you dancing and cavorting as I did, for as long as I did, if that's what you want. _

_What I'm saying Son, is be happy, Gina loved you, maybe you didn't realize just how hard she worked to be the wife she thought you needed, but she never stopped trying. I know, I know, I'm still meddling in your business, but I would be amiss if I didn't give you my full perspective. When I first met Katherine, I thought my prayers were answered, and God forgive me, I judged Gina against her, but there's no comparison._

_Katherine loves you, but Gina worships the ground you walk on. That might be harsh but review each of the two ladies, and remember, this is your mother trying to protect you, Alexis is beginning to offer you a sample of what that's like. Katherine may love you, but she's emotionally selfish, Gina loves you, to the point she allowed you to mistreat her, and still blamed herself. _

_I know you two have mended many fences, that made me happy, but Richard, think about if that gene had struck you, who would be there for you without giving it a second thought. Love hurts, yes, it's true, but Love doesn't drive one to take the actions you took, almost costing Alexis her father, me, my most prized possession in the world, and for what. Remember who loves you without conditions, Richard, it's not my decision Darling but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to put my vote in,_

_Now stop mourning, and start living. Give my darling Granddaughter a hug, and tell her I still love her to pieces, that never stopped, or ever will. Keep your eyes open Richard, who knows when I'll pop up next, only kidding, but don't take anything for granted._

_Mourn today for the last day, then LIVE, if you don't, I'll tip Patterson off to all your cards, I know you hate losing, but especially to him. Thank you for a wonderful life, and for being the best son a mother could ever ask for, Live and do it for me,_

_I love you, Richard, _

_Always have, Always will_

_Mother_

It was Rick's turn to dab Gina's eyes, as her tears fell.

"Rick, you never told me you were worried about having the same gene, Sweetheart I would have been with you, I'm sorry you faced that alone. I never knew Martha cared for me or noticed the dynamics of our marriage, she loved you and Alexis so much I just automatically thought I was the Bitch to her. That touched me deeply, maybe because I loved her too, I mean my Mom passed, and she was always there for me. She taught me how to be a Mom to Alexis, so I owe her so much."

Rick had pulled out a number from his phone and called, spoke very quietly, then as he turned, he asked again on speaker, "So what you're saying is the test is Negative and I should not repeat this test for five years? I just have to be sure so I can mark my calendar" he brushed off

"Yes Sir, you are Negative, you can repeat the blood test in five years, but sir, you are so far off the charts, it probably would be a waste of your time and money, but please do so for peace of mind."

"Thanks so much and you have a great weekend as well,"

Gina had her arms around Rick, her head on his shoulder crying harder than he had ever remembered,

"Hey Genes, it's OK, in fact, it's great, I'm clean of the gene, Mother, I don't know how you knew so much, but wow, what a relief. Sweetie, it's OK," as she continued to sob,

He pulled her onto his lap on the couch, and just rubbed her back the same way she had rubbed his forearm, small light circles, letting her cry, just whispering that he was there for her. Finally, about 15 minutes later she had regained most of her composure, she began to try to explain,

"I'm so sorry Rick, the tears were happy tears, I'm so damn happy that your big worry is gone, then I got sad knowing you faced the possibility of that in your heart and mind, and I wasn't here to help you, it hurt Rick, it really did. I'm so sorry, please promise me, no matter what happens, you won't shut me out trying to protect me, I'm not that way. I want to know what's going on so I can take care of those I love. We share our daughter, and probably will Grandkids someday, so you have to promise to keep me in the loop, I beg you."

"I'm sorry Genes, I didn't think of it that way, but you're right, as usual, hey Grandkids? You don't know anything I don't know do you?" he put his worried face on

"No Sweetie, I said someday, not tomorrow," she laughed,

**Present Time**

Rick looked around, and the church was almost filled, he noticed Kate and the majority of the 12th that he knew were in the second and third rows, and there were a ton of the publishing and acting companions of Martha's in attendance.

The Priest opened with a prayer of Thanksgiving for Martha's life, her service on this earth and the love she perpetuated evidenced even one year after her passing, then handed the microphone to Rick.

_"Good Morning,_

_Thank You all for coming out on a Friday, I know Mother would be thrilled. One year ago, we lost her to her next starring role as she put it, and it was truly a sad time for my family and me." His look went to Gina, Alexis, and Mike, all holding hands in the first row._

_"Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with Mother knew she loved to one-up you whenever she could. Yesterday was such a day, when I received a letter from her, actually her attorney had followed her wishes and mailed it as she requested, but Mother knew I would think, which I did for a moment or two, that she really was everywhere, and could see everything I did, just like she told me as a young boy" The crowd chuckled,_

_"She was exactly like the Mother I always knew in her writing yesterday, full of instructions and subtle, if anyone who knew her believed that, hints and warnings. Her message was clear, for me, Alexis, Gina, Mike and all those members of our family to LIVE LIFE every day. She told me her wish was I would be cavorting as well as she did at her age, and I can see my daughter Alexis shudder in horror. I promise you one original is enough Alexis, so I won't embarrass you like that" as the crowd smiled and laughed softly._

_"I think Mother would have loved this service, not for the flowers, and pageantry, but I have heard laughter, and overheard stories about her even I didn't know, all in a celebration of life. Thank you for making her life meaningful when she was here, even more now that she has passed. She lives within each of us" his eyes find Gina's and lock on with the sparkle that had been missing for so long," so in conclusion, this is the final memorial mass for Martha Rogers, next year will be a celebration of life party, with a theme to be announced. Thank You All, and God Bless."_

Rick strode of the podium, quite differently than he had just a year ago, and was greeted with kisses from Gina and Alexis as the priest closed the ceremony. The priest ended the celebration with a brief prayer then Rick, Gina, Alexis, and Mike stood receiving handshakes and hugs from those attending.

Kate and the boys approached together, and after Espo and Ryan had shaken Rick's hand, Kate stepped forward.

"This was a beautiful tribute, Rick, I'm sure Martha would have loved it. You look better but remember let me know if I can help in any way."

"Thanks, Kate, I will, but I think we're working on a plan to correct what's been bothering me for so long, Thanks for the offer, it is appreciated." As he hugged her just like any other guest.

Kate exchanged brief hugs with Alexis, and Gina, then was out of the Church, when the paparazzi storm hit, as Rick and Gina exited the church holding hands, Mike and Alexis behind them in the same position.

"What's the big deal today, they're acting like Gina and Rick are getting back together again, she's just supporting her ex-husband." Espo barked, unaware of the living arrangements that were changed this past week

"You sure about that Bro, Jenny heard something on the TV that they were back together" then flinched when Espo punched him

"Guys, it's all right, you'll find out sooner or later but Gina is living in the loft again, and that's all I want to say or hear about it" she walked briskly to her car.


	7. Chapter 7

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_What's the big deal today, they're acting like Gina and Rick are getting back together again, she's just supporting her ex-husband." Espo barked, unaware of the living arrangements that were changed this past week_

"_You sure about that Bro, Jenny heard something on the TV that they were back together" then flinched when Espo punched him_

"_Guys, it's all right, you'll find out sooner or later but Gina is living in the loft again, and that's all I want to say or hear about it" as she walked briskly to her car._

_******************************************************************************************/_

**Chapter 7**

**Castle's Loft**

**Friday, 11:30 AM**

Gina and Rick stood holding hands as they said goodbye to the last guests who had stopped by the Loft for a brief refresher and remembrance. Rick hadn't expected Kate or the boys since they were working, but the few who came back made the service memorable. Rick had met one of Martha's boyfriends she had managed to hide from him, they laughed at some of the antics she used to play on everyone.

Once the guests had cleared Alexis and Mike were standing in the doorway of the kitchen as Gina prepped for a quick lunch for the family.

"Mom, Dad, can we talk to you two for a few minutes please?" Alexis asked, and even though she was always polite, her request today was almost like that when she was a little girl.

"Sure Pumpkin, be right there" Rick replied as he took off his apron and joined hands with Gina, giving her a little squeeze,

They entered the living room, and took seats on the couch where Alexis directed them, Poor Mike looked like he was about to pass out,

"Mike, are you OK, do you need a glass of water or something?" Gina asked

"No, I'm fine, he finally got out, but there's something that Alexis and I want to tell you. Last night I asked my best friend, the most beautiful girl in the world, to do me the honor of becoming my wife, and she said…"

"I said Yes, Hell Yes, it's about time you asked, I was almost getting ready to ask you" they both laugh,

Rick smiled, and squeezed Gina's hand, "Wow come here baby, let me see that ring," Gina said through her tears,

Rick stood embraced Mike, and said, "Welcome to the family Mike, take care of her, never hurt her and we'll get along great," as Mike began to relax.

"Pumpkin, and yes I still get to call you that even though you will be a married woman, Congratulations Sweetie, I think Mike is a great guy. I knew he loved you when he came to ask for your hand, he was about ready to pass out then, even worse than now" Rick laughed

"You came to ask Daddy before you asked me? What if I had said no? "Alexis tried to put on her angry face but started laughing, knowing full well, that she would have asked him if he didn't ask her by the end of the year.

"I just thought your Dad, well as much as he loves you, and as close as the two of you are, it was the right thing to do. I know if he didn't approve, you could never be happy, so if he had said no, I was prepared to ask him what I needed to do to earn his blessing, I just want to make you happy."

Alexis took his face and kissed him sweetly, at the time she didn't care she was in front of her parents, "You have to be one of the sweetest men I have ever met. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I promise you, I'll try just as hard as you do every day to make you happy as well."

Rick quietly dabbed a tear from his eye, then turned Gina's face towards him and dabbed her eyes gently as well.

"Welcome to the family Mike, it's a little unconventional, but you know that already. One thing we never are short on in this house is Love, and stating our opinion, so I'll say this now, I'm sorry, as your Mother-in-Law- to be, my daughter's happiness means everything to me, keep her happy, we're all happy, now let's get some lunch"

The day went by so quickly, Alexis and Gina talking about dresses, flowers, and initial planning, Rick and Mike spending time together watching both of the ladies get so excited just looking at pictures of wedding gowns.

"Mike, whatever she wants, I don't care about the cost, if she wants it get it, and I'll pay for it. Please don't argue, it is her only day to be a bride, and I want her to have nothing but pleasant memories of the day" Rick smiled,

"Yes Sir, you know she's going to fight me on some things don't you sir?"

"Of course, but Mike, as he patted his chest, welcome to the world of matrimony" and laughed

Rick had vetoed using Commercial flights to Chicago, and since Mike and Alexis couldn't go there would be plenty of room on his private jet. He called Janice, his trusted First Pilot and arranged to leave tomorrow at 9:00 AM, he didn't want to arrive too early and disturb Tom and Jordan.

Gina texted Jordan the details and received the reply, "can't wait, Brianna is already counting down the hours, to see you. Safe travels,"

It was almost 6:00 PM and Alexis and Mike were getting ready to leave when the doorbell buzzed,

"I'll get it Dad, I'm right here" Alexis called out,

When she opened the door, a special delivery person was standing in front of her,

"Beg your pardon Mam, but this needs to be signed for by Mr. Rick Castle, is he available?"

"One Moment, Dad, special delivery requiring your signature" She called out over her shoulder,

Rick came out of the kitchen, wiping his hands,

"Hi, I'm Richard Castle, how can I help you,

"Sir I will need to see an ID and can you sign here for me please?" Rick hurriedly showed his driver's license and scribbled a signature and the man was gone, leaving a heavily wrapped package in Rick's hands.

"What is it, Dad?" Alexis asked as Gina got a very worried look in her eye.

"Well, come over here, and Gina, please sit here, and let me say I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't hurt you, but it was something I had to see if it could stand on its own merits."

Gina is growing paler by the moment,

Rick, what's going on Sweetie, did I do something, say something, wha"

"Stop Gina, help me open it", as he began to tear the layers of paper away, Gina, tore her end and suddenly she saw it, the first copy printed, presented to the author, and she started to breathe again.

"Dad? What's going on? Gina's smiling now, so care to share with us what the hell is happening over there?"

Gina holds up a new book, titled, A Mothers Love, by Alex Richards, and has tears in her eyes,

"Mom what's the book and why did Dad get a copy, he didn't write that"

"Baby, look carefully, it's from Black Pawn, and yes Sweetie your Dad did write this, I saw this on my Uncle's desk the other week, but thought it was just someone plugging a book."

"Daddy when did you write this and why the pseudo pen name?" Alexis looked confused until she saw the title,

"Daddy, is that the book you promised Grams you'd write, I'm so proud of you, but when did you write it, I watched over you as best I could, I don't remember you being on your computer."

"Because I wrote it the old-fashioned way, on paper and pen, then transcribed it to Janice to type," He smiled, then turned to Gina, oh "Genes, please don't be mad, I took it to Warren because I know you would work your Ass off to get it published, whether it was any good or not, I needed to know it was worthwhile before we went to print."

Gina feigned being angry, then her tears broke through, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, "I just read the dedication, and God Rick, you already have me in tears"

"_**To MHR, the best Mother anyone could ever have on this earth. You proved that a Mother's Love is as close to God's love as any mortal man will come, Thank You for allowing me to be your Kiddo, Love Always"**_

Rick had just gotten Gina's tears stopped when he glanced over and Mike was doing the same for Alexis,

"You OK Pumpkin? It was OK wasn't it?" Rick asked worriedly,

"Daddy, it was perfect, I know Grams would love the Kiddo reference, it was such a nice touch, thank you" Mike released her hand and they both wound up in a group hug with Rick, Gina, as Gina pulled Mike into it.

"Warned you, Mike, this family is close, but thank you for all you did during the service and since Alexis told us that you often drive by the cemetery and visit her Grams when you see your Dad, so Thank You for that." Gina tried to smile through her tears.

"Rick, I'm proud of you, I really am, and if my Uncle published it, it has to be more than good. I'm sorry that you didn't trust me with it, I mea"

"Genes, I trusted you too much, I needed someone who didn't give a damn about my feelings, so that's why you know there's no other editor who I trust with my work. Hell, even during the dark days, we still had a fantastic work relationship, I hope that never changes,"

"Sorry, Rick, I see where you're coming from now, guess I got jealous for a second," she lowered her head,

He raised it, gently kissed her, "I'm glad you still are, at least over the books" as he flashed her his smile, and she pulled him in just to hold him, she didn't know if it was for him or her.

"Mom, Dad say hi to Aunt Jordy and Uncle Tom, give Brianna a big hug for us and let her know she will be getting a Save the Date card soon, Love you both, have a safe trip to Chicago," as she kissed each, followed by Mike who stuck out his hand to Rick and found himself in a bro hug. He smiled then kissed Gina on the cheek,

"Good Night, let us know if you need anything here, and enjoy yourselves, PLEASE," Mike said

"Thanks, Son, see you in a week or so", as they closed the door together, looking into the eyes of the other, happy, for the first time in a long time, he was happy.

Gina wrapped her arm around his waist and led him back to the couch, and sat down, on his lap.

"I'm sorry about getting upset Rick, I know how much that project means to you, and you know what, I'm glad that the big guy himself signed off, now you know in your heart it's good, not just me telling you that." She wrapped her arms around his neck and just held him, she missed the closeness, and she knew, she was one blink of an eye of losing it forever again.

He must sense the same, he holds her for the longest time, the only words, uttered, were "Thanks Genes, "and then silence.

Xx

**Next Day **

The trip to Chicago was like a reunion for Gina and Janice the pilot, and long-time friend of Ricks, the only pilot he would trust Alexis and or Martha flying with.

"Hey there Missy, you're looking good today, it's so good to see you again."

"Hi Janice, good to see you, are you losing weight? You look good, how are things,"

"Hi Gina, so good to see you with the big lug again, well things are good, well better, you remember Diane, right, well we split. I guess that's where the weight loss came from."

"Gosh, I'm so sorry Janice, things work out for a reason, or so I'm told, just hang in there, someone will come along, the right one this time."

Janice smiled as she nodded towards Rick, "we're all pulling for you, just so you know,"

"Oh, well, and Thanks but not yet, still working towards there but still have the one big roadblock. Thanks though, I appreciate your support."

Well, your pillow, drink, and blanket are waiting on you, we'll talk later, but Gina, watch over him, he's had some terrible dreams, I almost had to call for an emergency landing the last trip."

"Thanks, Janice, I'm working on them, this trip should give us some more information to try to stop them, I appreciate you taking such good care of him."

"Well, get settled, and make sure he buckles his seat belt, and we'll get you to Chicago shortly, we should be leaving in about 10 minutes."

"Thanks, Janice"

Rick is already in his seat, her right next to him, and he had fake buckled his seat belt,

"Janice told me to tell you, we're not leaving till you buckle up the right way, so quit pouting, buckle up and hold my hand, Please?" she looked at him, and his eyes had a bit more of the sparkle, but also a sense of dread as well. The last time he came home from Chicago was after spending some time away, he just couldn't face New York, so he said, but she had her suspicions it had more to do with a Police Officer than anything else.

This trip would be different, "Killjoy" he said as she heard the click of the belt and gave Janice the thumbs-up sign.

He fell asleep shortly after takeoff and Gina took the opportunity to just stare at him, touch his hair gently as she wiped it from his eyes, and kiss his forehead gently. She wasn't aware that Janice had observed her every move,

"Is he aware that you still love him so deeply Gina? He'd have to be blind one would think but we've been fooled before" she smiled.

"I think so Janice, but I just want to get him well, then if he chooses Kate, at least I'll have this time as a great memory, I know it's fucked up but yes I do love him enough to see him leave IF he would be happier with her." Tears came into her eyes,

"Gina, you're a far better woman than any I know, and now I guess I understand what True Love means, I got to get back but good luck, see you on the ground." She smiled and said softly,

Rick waited till he heard her gentle breaths, she had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder, he gently arranged it so she wouldn't have a stiff neck, then looked at her. She loved him enough to let him go, no matter Martha had written what she had, God this could be harder than he thought, but for now, he needed to find out the source and remedy for the nightmares, then he would address Kate and her explanations.

For now, Gina was not a backup plan, not the way she loved him every day, it would take a lot to overcome this, something Kate had never shown before., a willingness to fight for who she loved. Time would tell.


	8. Chapter 8

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_I think so Janice, but I just want to get him well, then if he chooses Kate, at least I'll have this time as a great memory, I know it's fucked up but yes I do love him enough to see him leave IF he would be happier with her." Tears came into her eyes,_

"_Gina, you're a far better woman than any I know, and now I guess I understand what True Love means, I got to get back but good luck, see you on the ground." She smiled and said softly,_

_Rick waited till he heard her gentle breaths, she had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder, he gently arranged it so she wouldn't have a stiff neck, then looked at her. She loved him enough to let him go, no matter Martha had written what she had, God this could be harder than he thought, but for now, he needed to find out the source and remedy for the nightmares, then he would address Kate and her explanations. _

_****************************************************************************************/_

**Chapter 8**

**Chicago, Jordan Shaw Visit Day 1**

Gina didn't know but Jordan and Tom were standing just inside the entrance as they departed the plane, hugging Janice as she left.

"Hey you're beautiful, there's plenty of partners out there, just be yourself Janice"

"Thanks, Gina, take care of him for us, please, I will deny it if he finds out, but we all love him and were worried sick. I almost called you, but then backed out."

"Well you call me, Gina pressed a business card in her hand, regardless of who he's with if you need me, and I'll do my best to take care of him."

Rick hugged the crew, and handed Janice an envelope, then hugged her.

"Rick, what's this for, better yet what is it?" Janice asked, surprised at the length of time and the tightness of his hug.

"It's your mortgage, well it was, now the house is yours, I figured with Dianne gone you would have some extra expenses, so just consider this a Thank You for watching over me, and my family, I love you too, regardless of how much you deny saying it" and his eyes twinkled for the first time Janice could remember.

"So that's why my house payment was rejected, I don't owe anything, Rick, what am I going to do with you? Tears pool from her eyes, "You're right you know, everyone that works for you loves you, just for being you."

"Well, I just try to remember the times when it wasn't so easy for Mother and I and every time I can help, it makes me feel good inside, more than just a quick rush like alcohol it's like getting high on life."

Janice kissed him on the cheek, "Watch it, mister, you'll make a straight woman out of me yet," she laughed to hide her tears,

"See you in a week, Gina or I'll call you, and Janice take some time off, relax take it from someone who knows, time is the only thing that heals a broken heart. Try to enjoy yourself" Rick kissed her quickly and walked down the stairs as Janice just shook her head. He never ceased to amaze her with his generosity, it always seemed to come just when it was needed.

As soon as Jordan saw Gina clear the restricted area, she was out the door, grabbing her into a big hug.

"Welcome Gina, God it's great to see you again, you were all Rick talked about during his time here," she said as she hugged her

"Hi Jordan, great to be here, are you telling me the truth, he didn't talk about Kate? It was me he talked about? I mean I"

"We'll talk in a bit, outside of earshot, but yes it was you, just you, he wouldn't even say her name, it was Detective or the 12th, we'll talk later. Tom is taking him out to a Cubs game this afternoon, and the last time we asked Brianna was going as well." She laughed,

Gina smiled as she watched Jordan make her way to Rick, "Hey Brother, it's so good to see you" as she jumped into his arms, he spun around a few times before kissing her cheek.

"You'll never know how good it is to see you, Tom and my little Angel again, I missed you and I know I can never thank you for what you did for me." He said, emotion heavy in his voice,

"Shut up, we didn't do anything special, you did the work, we were just here. I'm proud of you Rick, really proud that you asked Gina for help. God knows that woman loves you more than she does life, and she would never let anything or anyone hurt you."

Gina had been picked up in a big hug by Tom, and spun around as well, he kissed her cheek briefly as he sat her down, "Welcome Gina, glad you guys could come. He looks better, much better and I know you've been watching over him for a few weeks,"

"Well, you know, he's always giving to everybody but never asks for anything, we need yours and Jordan's help to get to the cause of his night terrors. I have an idea of what it is, but I'm no professional and I would never do anything to hurt him."

"He's having those again? God, we thought they had passed, at least he faked it good enough in front of us, I think he didn't want to scare Brianna, who by the way is waiting with Nana at home to greet you. She told us don't take all day, she wants to see her Uncle Rwik," as he laughed.

"Well we better get moving, Rick, Brianna has instructed her parents she knows how long it takes so they are not to take all day, she wants to see you" Gina smiled,

Rick's face lit up, he loved kids and was always comfortable around them, sometimes more than adults.

"Oh, then we best be on our way", as his arm slipped around Gina, and Jordan had her arm around him.

Xx

Twenty-five minutes later they were pulling into a very luxurious home, and into a garage, seconds later they heard Brianna from the house, "I know it's safe Nana now I have to go see Uncle Rwik", and the door flew open with a beautiful little carbon copy of Jordan flying towards Rick screaming with all of her might.

"Uncle Rwik, Uncle Rwik, I missed you" and she jumped into his waiting arms, as he laughed,

"Whoa, you're bigger than the last time I saw you Princess, and I missed you too, have you been good?"

"Mostly, sometimes I get fwrustwated and I yell, but Mommy puts me in time out so I try not to do that." Rick turned his head to keep from showing her how he is laughing about a 7-year-old being frustrated,

"Well I want you to meet Miss Gina, you remember I told you about her when I stayed with you, right?"

Uncle Rwik, that's all you talked about was Gina this and Gina that and pumpkin. Hey, where is Aunt Lexi any way? Oh, I'm sorry, Hello Miss Gina, welcome to our home,"

Gina was down on her knees now and hugged the little girl,

"Well thank you so very much, I appreciate that. Aunt Lexi couldn't come, she has school and couldn't miss so I'm sorry, it's just me and Uncle Rick."

"I understand, Lexi would rather study than go to a baseball game with my Dad and Uncle Rwik like I'm doing this afternoon if you won't get jealous" she smiled, but her message was sincere,

"Jealous of you princess? Never, in fact, if you want to know a secret, I feel good when you go with him to take care of him, especially when I'm not around" Gina smiled, as the little girl hugged her tightly and whispered,

"Mommy told me that I should look after him because he doesn't take care of himself, except when he's with me, so I'll watch out for him Miss Gina, I promise."

"Thank you, Sweetheart, he told me all about the time he spent with you and your parents two years ago, you really helped him a lot, so thank you"

"I was only 5 then, now I'm 7, almost a big girl so I'll take better care of him when he's away from you, I promise." Her little eyes were so intent,

"Thanks, Sweetie, now I think your Mommy wants to talk while you three go to the baseball game, would that be OK?"

"Yeppers, Mommy doesn't get much time to talk to women, her job is pretty tough so I'm glad you came to visit, well I gotta change for the game, see you later" and up the stairs, she went.

Jordan looked at Gina, who watched the little girl scurry up the stairs, then said quietly,

"We wouldn't have her if it hadn't been for Rick, he wrote a check to the hospital with more zero's than I care to remember, since the procedure was experimental, neither Tom's or my insurance would cover it. I couldn't think of life without her, or Rick, he's really like a brother, how is he really doing?

Gina explained how he had asked her to move in, at the same time she asked him if she could, and how she had held him through the worst of night terrors. Some nights were worse than others. She also explained that even though he had left Chicago and their home, he didn't go right back to the old life. He and Kate were dating, then Martha got ill, and Kate did something and he shut her out completely.

For now, he often referred to her as Captain Beckett, not Kate, or even Beckett, and they had a polite public relationship, one that she knew Kate wanted more but Rick wasn't ready.

Jordan explained to Gina, the first nights he spent with them, either she or Tom would position themselves outside his bedroom door to wake him, from his terrors but he seemed to have gotten control of them before he left. She also said the point that hurt Rick the most wasn't that Beckett was with Tom, it was that Coonan had mocked him as he threw him from the car dying, and the last visual he had of her was in bed with Demming.

"Gina, I tried to hide the fact that she had her phone turned off, even though she was on call that night. I guess Rick overheard me when she asked me why she wasn't called, she was his ICE, and I blasted her for being spread eagle in a hotel when she was A. On Call, B. his ICE and finally why it took her over 6 hours to get to the hospital. When she was briefed on the operation, she wasn't told of the ongoing investigation or her Captain's involvement, so she held that against both Rick and me for a while."

"Rick went into a deep depression; until it was confirmed where she was, it was just the words of a hired killer, but hearing the truth sent him into a tailspin."

"Is that when you got him to see Dr. Holcomb? I mean I heard he was going to a psychiatrist, but I didn't believe it until he called me after his first few visits. He seemed so sad, or am I reading too much into it, Jordan?"

"Tom got him to go, after confessing to Rick that he fights depression, it's nothing to be ashamed of, so Tom went with him the first visit, introduced him to Doctor Mary Holcomb and then went to get a coffee while Rick had his session.

He liked Mary, just like Tom, and let his guard down after a few sessions, BUT she was never able to get to the root cause of what triggered the clinical depression. I spoke to her and she was especially puzzled because of all that Rick had gone through in his life, and had not succumbed to alcohol or pills, which surprised her.

In her words, something had smacked him good to trigger the depression and to want to stay away from New York, and all that was familiar to him. She and I both thought that his desire to see Alexis and Martha would push him home after a few weeks, but he actually got an apartment two blocks from here and stayed almost the entire year."

Gina's eyes fill with tears, hurting for him, unable to do anything about it either now or back then, as she whispered more to herself than Jordan, "That must have been when he wrote the book" as her eyes looked down,

"I'm sorry, what book, he mostly played with Brianna and went to self-help meetings, Tom did get him to go to a couple of Cubs games, but mostly he listened to music and read. He ran every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times, and he did work out, but other than that he only saw us when we dragged him over, he kept saying he didn't want to intrude."

"Oh, forget the book Jordan, I was just thinking out loud, but I know he seemed almost frightened when he came home. Rick had never been afraid of anything in his life, but now he was so skittish until Martha got sick. Then he pushed everything away to take care of her. I think Kate pushed him too far during the worst of these times, he mentioned something about the abuse of power to check out his personal life, she would never trust him so he couldn't be around her."

"That makes sense Gina, he asked me what the penalty would be if someone ran his financials for a personal matter, rather than in a criminal investigation, I told him it depended on the circumstance but if he could prove it, the person could lose their job."

"I know he was quite upset with her, wouldn't take a call or return a text for the 9 weeks before Martha died, then he treated her like one of the normal friends during the service and reception. I knew he was hurt, but I never thought it was this bad." Gina was almost in tears, but her fists balled in her lap, wanting to kick a certain cop's ass.

"Gina, there's a technique that has been used for some agents, I know one who went through it, scared the hell out of him, but he's back now, and seems like no after-effects. _Regressive Dream Hypnosis_ the name of the study, and it basically takes one back to the moment in time, through his or her dreams, but because they are under hypnosis, the outcome can be altered. I'm not sure if it would work, but"

"Thanks, Jordan, let me see if I can get him to attend at least an information session, it's worth a try."

"If he gives you a hard time, I have a secret weapon, I'll have Brianna ask him. He can't say no to her, he's so darn good with kids, and if Brianna wants something, believe me, she gets it. He deals with the fallout from mostly me later, but that girl is as he called her, his little princess. You know I remember him making dinner last week when he referred to you as his princess as well, perhaps he's beginning to see what he's got in front of him."

"Thanks, Jordan, I appreciate that. I love him I truly do, but if we can get these night terrors to end, well I just want him to be happy, with me or her, it will kill me, but not as bad as things are now. I just can't stand to see him in pain, and so afraid at night, my heart breaks but I hold him and reassure him. I promised Alexis, I would never leave him, not as long as he needs or wants me" by this time both Gina and Jordan were crying,

"Time for more wine," Jordan said as she wiped her eyes, and retrieved another bottle, they both needed this time together. Now for the test would Rick go along with the treatment, well if Gina couldn't convince him, Jordan was serious she would use Brianna, anything to make him well.


	9. Chapter 9

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

_Gina explained how he had asked her to move in, at the same time she asked him if she could, and how she had held him through the worst of night terrors. Some nights were worse than others. She also explained that even though he had left Chicago and their home, he didn't go right back to the old life. He and Kate were dating, then Martha got ill, and Kate did something and he shut her out completely._

_For now, he often referred to her as Captain Beckett, not Kate, or even Beckett, and they had a polite public relationship, one that she knew Kate wanted more but Rick wasn't ready._

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 9**

**Beckett's Office, 12****th**** Precinct**

**Tuesday, 11:30 AM (Day 3 of Visit to Jordan) **

Kate had spent the weekend going out of her mind with worry. She had called several times over the weekend, his landline, his cellphone, Gina's office, Alexis Cell, and finally broke down and called Gina's cell, all without an answer. She was concerned that she couldn't reach anyone, she just wanted, make that had to know he was OK. Their last conversation was more like two high school students than someone she loved.

She decided to try to reach Alexis one more time, and on the third ring the young lady answered,

"How can I help you Captain Beckett?" not a lot of love showing in her voice,

"Thank God Alexis, I've been trying to reach your father all weekend, I just, well, I, I had to know he was OK, after the service and all. We didn't get a chance to talk all that much, but I was worried about him."

"Yeah, I saw all the missed calls on my cell, and the voice mails you left at the loft, but seriously, he's fine. He's really not your problem anymore Captain, so please know, as we told you, we'll call you if we need you" she said in a tone to dismiss Kate,

"Wait, Alexis, is there a number I can reach him, I mean I'd feel better if I could hear his voice, I just want him to know that we still care about him, he's one of us here at the 12th." She said as sincerely as possible,

"Since when Captain? We don't want to get into the details that left him minutes from death trying to save you, again do we? I mean once was enough for me, and really you have a boyfriend why don't you worry about him and leave my father alone?"

"Alexis, really I don't want to get into what happened between your father and me back then, but really, I thought he had forgiven me for that. For the record, I don't have a boyfriend, at least anymore." Kate said in a very quiet and sad tone,

"Well, I guess you kiss everyone you meet riding a Harley in front of Remy's like you're trying to remove their tonsils, so sorry, must have been Dad and my mistake. I mean he could be just a friend; I think that's the last lie you told Dad."

"Alexis wait please, I mean yes I had a boyfriend, but we broke up and now"

"And now you want to see if old lapdog Castle will come running back on cue, well I'm sorry, he's unavailable for the next few weeks, and just in case you got so desperate to try Mom's phone, she's with him out of town. If I think of it, I'll let him know of your concerns, but please don't worry Captain, I think we have it covered, do us all a favor, don't call us, let him call you" as the line went dead.

Kate turned red, had she just had her Ass handed to her by a 22-year-old girl? It was very clear the support she once had from his daughter was gone and replaced with disdain if not hatred. Alexis had been at the hospital almost every hour until she was sure her Dad was going to make it.

She began to think of some of her comments, _**kiss someone on a Harley**_, Oh God she and Rick had seen her and Josh, it was a simple kiss, and she wasn't going with anyone at the time. Rick had made it clear she had crossed more than a line by investigating him to find out if he was cheating when he was honoring his Mother's wishes and keeping her condition quiet. She remembered his line when she asked,

"Rick, I thought we were closer than this, why wouldn't you tell me about Martha?"

"It wasn't my story to tell Detective, you have your CI's, and once sworn to secrecy you keep their secrets, as for us being close, I agree. I thought we were closer also, but you running my financials to see if I was cheating on you proves to me that to you the ends justify the means and you'll never really trust me, no matter what you say. You abused your powers rather than come to me and talk, really talk, so no Detective, I don't think we were ever as close as I had thought."

God, another mess she had made. She was trying to get Rick back when she met Josh, and well, he was convenient, gone a lot, but fun to take a bike ride with, grab dinner, and hell she had needs, even if he wasn't that good in the sack, it beat being lonely and frustrated.

She had been trying to get Rick to talk, even with a professional to mend the fences, at the same time going out with Josh, innocent as it might be, it sure as hell sent a different message to his daughter, and probably him as well.

She could see it clearly now, she had opened the door and called the cab for Gina to come back into his life, just by her actions alone.

By the time she had taken over the Captain's position, ALL courtesy of the recording Rick got from Coonan as he was almost stabbed fatally, he was but a shell of the man that she had met just a few years ago.

She owed him everything, her life, solving her mother's murder, and bringing those responsible to justice, even the empathy he showed Roy, allowing him to become part of Witsec and remain alive with his family.

She tried to get him to come to the 12th or out with the boys, but unless they happen to run into him at the Old Haunt, he never came anymore. He was always courteous to her, he never was less than a gentleman even on her worst days, but she knew she had crossed more than a line, she had hurt him in the worst way. He struggled with the guilt he felt about almost leaving his daughter to save her, a woman that had done nothing to earn friendship, much less lifetime devotion.

She knew that he had certainly rearranged his priorities in life, first when he lived, then again when Martha passed away. No one but those closest to him knew how much her death impacted him. She closed her eyes and for just a moment, thought how different things would be if she had made two, perhaps three different decisions. Too late for do-overs Kate, she fumbled with her phone and called an old familiar number,

"Yes, hi this is Katherine Beckett, I'm Captain now, but last time Dr. Burke saw me I was Detective, I need to make another appointment with him, as soon as I can.

"Yes, Friday at 7:00 AM would be perfect, see you then, Thank You"

Xx

**Tuesday, 04:30 PM **

**(Day 3 of Visit to Jordan) **

Gina had seen a sense of relaxation come over Rick with each hour he had been away from New York, especially with his little Princess. She loved her Uncle Rwik, and would tell anyone they were wrong if they said anything against him. He had caught a foul ball at the game on Sunday and had a few players sign it to her, and she now slept with the ball, case and all. It had become her prize possession.

Rick's eyes sparkled when he relayed tales of Alexis when she was younger, and to Gina's surprise had many memories of her and their daughter captured, she thought he had let go of. He had actually saved every home movie of them together on his cloud account and pulled some down one evening before she realized it.

The one he was showing had her chasing Alexis around the kitchen, it was Christmas morning, and she had on his present to her, sexy baby doll Pajamas covered with an apron,

"RICK, stop that this minute, I swear, I have photos too, remember?" she laughed, as his eyes sparkled even more,

"I thought you burned those, that's what you said" he laughed, as he pulled her into his lap.

"Thanks for coming with me Genes, I think this is helping a lot," he said softly in her ear, as he kissed her neck gently.

"Well Sweetie, there's one more thing I think we should talk about if you don't mind. I know Jordan and Tom have seen us both at our worse so if you are OK with it, I'd like to present an idea then you tell me what you think."

Rick looks at her, locked eyes, and nodded gently. "Let's talk Genes,"

"Well the one thing we all want is for you to be able to shake the bad dreams, I know you've tried everything, but there's one trauma program some of the Agents in Jordan's field have tried, with good success."

"Really? What would that be? To be honest, Genes you know this already, but I'd try just about anything now for a good night's sleep without feeling like a scared little kid. The only time I sleep peacefully is when I feel you near me, touching me or on my shoulder, I feel at peace and then I sleep and you know how long it took us to get to that point. I'm so sorry Gina, I know you love me, I feel the love and that's what lets me let go and face the night." His eyes glisten with tears,

"Well Rick, one Doctor here in Chicago has combined Dream Therapy with Clinical Hypnosis and is having some luck with Agents who have been wounded or faced other traumatic situations that resulted in a form of PTSD." Jordan offered,

"Really?" Is he taking new patients?" Rick asked as Gina let out the breath she had been holding.

"You'd try this Rick, I mean, I'm sorry, but I just want"

His kissed stopped her sentence, "Thanks Genes, I know how hard you're working on fixing me, and yes I'll try it. Well if I can get in and you'll come with me, you know what happens when the terrors come better than I."

"Just try to stop me, Richard Castle, I'm here till you tell me to go, I just want to see those blue eyes twinkle like they do when you're with your other princess," she smirks, as it takes Rick a minute to figure out who she's talking about.

"Well you'll have to keep doing what you're doing to keep up with the little princess, to her I'm unbreakable, I'm just glad she never saw me in one of those bad dreams." He said sadly,

"Well, Rick, I wasn't going to bring this up, but remember the first night you woke to find me in the chair next to you, well, Brianna came running into our room and told us that Uncle Rwik was sick, and we had to help him. Jordan took care of her, and I came to you, so she knows" Tom said softly,

Rick turns his head and if Gina saw right, a tear fell, "God, I'm so sorry Tom, Jordan, I never knew she saw that I should never have come here, I must have scared her to death."

"Actually, Rick it was the opposite, she told us the next morning that she was going to fix you, she was tired of waiting for the grownups to take care of you, so she was going to be sure you laughed every day," Jordan said, like the proud Mom she was.

"Well the little Angel kept her promise, she always made me laugh and I think for a time there I was almost over the worst ones, then well life happened and I returned to New York and it started back," Rick said almost choked with emotion.

Gina took his head and turned to stare into his eyes, "I swear Rick, I'll be here, I know the score, I know what I'm facing but I want you back to the old Rick, even if it means I lose you forever. If you're healthy and happy, well, that's good enough for me now. I never thought I could face you and tell you this, but you know I love you, I know you love Kate, so let's get you well, then let it work out, OK?" She kissed him gently and laid her head on his shoulder

Rick looked at the beautiful lady next to him, never knowing what he had done to deserve her, but quietly said, "OK Genes, make the appointment for me will you Sweetie"

"Of course, you know I would do anything for you" and Rick was beginning to see what had inspired Martha's words in her letter, one thing was true she certainly had enough experience in the Love Department to give advice, as he smiled ever so slightly.


	10. Chapter 10

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Well, I guess you kiss everyone you meet riding a Harley in front of Remy's like you're trying to remove their tonsils, so sorry, must have been Dad and my mistake. I mean he could be just a friend; I think that's the last lie you told Dad."_

"_Alexis wait please, I mean yes I had a boyfriend, but we broke up and now"_

"_And now you want to see if old lapdog Castle will come running back on cue, well I'm sorry, he's unavailable for the next few weeks, and just in case you got so desperate to try Mom's phone, she's with him out of town. If I think of it, I'll let him know of your concerns, but please don't worry Captain, I think we have it covered, do us all a favor, don't call us, let him call you" as the line went dead._

***************************************************************************************/

**Chapter 10**

**Dr. Burkes Office New York**

**Friday, 06:50 AM (Day 6 of Visit to Jordan Shaw) **

Kate had fought the urge to come to the Doctors office when she was ready, but who the hell sits outside an office building for 3 hours. She hadn't slept the night before, being honest she really hadn't slept much at all since seeing Rick with Gina at Martha's memorial service. He hadn't been rude, in fact, he was polite, too polite like he would be to a stranger. Perhaps she felt the loss of his friendship, the sting had finally burned through her defenses she kept telling herself, "He'll be back, he misses us too much".

She had rolled out of her bed at 2:30 AM, cleaned the apartment, did laundry, (note to self-great time to use the laundry room all dryers are available), and even gone for a long run, naturally, she ran towards the direction of the loft but no sign of life there. She finally showered, and stopped for a cup of coffee, finding she was still over 45 minutes early, she drank the beverage while sitting in a booth, then ordered a to-go cup.

Now she found herself outside the halls of Doctor Burke's office, pacing back and forth as she waited for the kind Doctor to appear. She had just stopped and leaned against a wall when she heard, "Good Morning Kate, early, as usual, let me get set up and I'll be right with you" as he smiled gently towards her.

Less than five minutes later Kate was being welcomed back,

"Good Morning, I understand it's now Captain Beckett, Congratulations."

"Thanks, Doctor, it's not what I thought but lately almost nothing really is the way it seems"

"Is that why you wish to talk Kate, or why don't you tell me what's on your mind and we can go from there" as he took a sip from his tea.

She nodded and began, "Well, it all started about two years, well 27 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago, Castle found out there was a hit out for me. He actually found the contract killer and lied to his family to shadow me in secret to protect me. He almost died, perhaps you read about Coonan and Bracken, the whole mess covered the papers for months."

"Yes Kate, I read and was also briefed by the NYPD since I handle much of their work, some officers were having a hard time dealing with such deceit from friends and co-workers. If I'm honest, I was surprised, I didn't hear from you during that time."

"Well you probably would have but Rick gave me another chance, to start slowly and once again I blew it big time. Do you know where I was when Rick was suffering his attack from the man paid to kill me? How it all came about?"

"Well, it doesn't matter what I know, Kate, why don't you tell me, I think your voice is more truthful than any source I have heard from."

"Well, the night of the attack I was on call, somehow my phone got turned off when Tom Demming and I were in a hotel room in Manhattan. As it came out later Demming was on the list indicted, I didn't know he turned my phone off, but I was Rick's ICE, and couldn't be reached when needed. Rick had ended out partnership 4 days before this, for good reason."

"And what would that reason be Kate?"

She hated it when the good Doctor made her dig deeper, but she knew the only way she was going to get some peace was to be truthful.

"He saw, hell I treated him like crap, as I flirted and practically threw myself at the good-looking Robbery Detective, Rick finished the case, in fact, it was his lead that solved it, and then told me we were through and walked away. I always thought I wanted him gone, but I missed him, and what he brought to the team"

"You said Mr. Castle had given you another chance, can you elaborate,"

"Well, once I got to the hospital, Rick was clinging to life by a thread, needless to say, I wasn't who his family wanted to see. Agent Jordan Shaw had stepped in and done what I should have been there to do, long story short, it was almost 9 months later when Castle accepted a coffee invitation to discuss us. I told him how I felt, and I apologized profusely, more heartfelt than I have ever done in my life.

We started to date, nothing was stated as exclusive, but I knew he loved me, and I tried to love him back. About 3 months into this relationship for lack of a better word, he started acting funny, going out of town, breaking dates at the last minute, totally out of character for him."

"Did you confront Mr. Castle with your concerns Kate?"

"Well we talked, I almost accused him of cheating on me, he told me to trust him, he was doing nothing wrong but that's all he could say." Tears begin to fall from her eyes,

"I notice the tears Kate, something tells me more than just talking occurred between you and Mr. Castle, you also said earlier you blew it big time, I believe where your exact words"

Doctor Burke was silent, giving her a few minutes to collect herself and go on,

"Well, there was more than one discussion, I pressed Rick on several occasions of where he was at, and what he had been doing. He always responded "He was helping someone who had always been there for him, and needed him,"

"He swore he was faithful even though neither he or I declared our relationship to be exclusive, though I wanted it to be, I just always thought he would be there."

Noticing the raised eyebrow of the Doctor, she continued,

"Well, I didn't separate Cop Kate from Girlfriend Kate, I ran his financials and found records of plane, hotels and some occasional meals for two on his bank statements. I was furious, so instead of asking him to come over so we could discuss it, I used the key he had given me to the loft and barged into his home."

"And what happened Kate, I take it you were a welcome guest since Mr. Castle had given you a key to his home."

"We had exchanged keys the week before this all occurred, but when I burst in his mother was in the middle of a therapy session, Alzheimer's disease was very apparent, as she rambled about not being late to work, Richard couldn't transfer to schools, he was counting on her"

"What happened then Kate, was Mr. Castle upset?"

"He was past upset, he never raised his voice, he just told me that I had found the woman I had searched his financials for and that he was honoring Martha's wish not to tell anyone, especially me. She worried about me all the time and thought I could get hurt if my thoughts weren't on my job. He told me to turn around leave the way I came, and to leave the key on the counter, then turned his attention to his mother and therapist along with his daughter."

"He didn't say or acknowledge you leaving or any further conversation at all Kate?"

"No, he didn't even watch as I turned placed the key on the counter, and gently closed the door behind me. I wrote letters, I texted, I called, his home, and his cell. I even tried calling his daughter Alexis, all with no luck. Nine weeks later my phone rang, and I thought that he was calling me, it was his daughter telling me her Grams had passed an hour ago, and Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, and hung up."

"How did you find out about the services for Mrs. Rogers, surely there were some observances? I seem to recall attending a play when the lights went dark for ten minutes in her honor."

"I was forwarded the information from Rick's publicist Paula Haas, or his ex-wife Gina Cowell, and well being honest it did hurt terribly to be shut out of their lives at a time of need."

"Kate, let's back up a bit, I seem to recall you shutting Mr. Castle out of your life for looking into your Mother's case, also were there instances where you were upset with him and avoided him?"

"Yes, but that was different, I mean, eh" she just stopped after observing the scowl on the Doctor's brow.

"How did Mr. Castle and his family act towards you when you attended the service, was he cordial or did he make you feel unwanted or uncomfortable."

"Actually, Castle was like he always was, except, Gina was with him, attached at the hip, even she was cordial. Alexis hates me, but she has been raised to be civil to all, so I expected her few words and fake hugs."

"It seems like the service or the family behavior wasn't the trigger to have you call me, do you want to cut to the real issue, Kate?"

"Well Rick called me two weeks ago, upon Gina's insistence, Gina moved back into the loft to help Rick. He's having night terrors reliving the near-death experience, and he asked Gina for help. She, to her credit, asked him to let me know before I found out through the papers. It was magnified, after the one-year celebration for Martha last week, the paparazzi took all kinds of photos, and I had to admit to my crew that Gina had moved back to the loft."

"Why does that bother you, Kate? Have you ever told Mr. Castle exactly how you feel, have you even thanked him for solving your mother's case, and almost dying? I don't mean a simple sentence, think what he would do had the situation been reversed. I'll go off the record and say this, Mr. Castle refused a medal from the city, he didn't want any reward that was earned on the blood of his friends. Roy Montgomery is alive today because of Mr. Castle, and I understand it has taken you some time to finally forgive him."

"Oh How I mean yes it took some time, but I have made my peace with Roy, we all make mistakes. I haven't been able to talk to Rick, how the hell am I supposed to show him my gratitude for all he's done for me,"

"Kate, that's your assignment for our next session, our time is up, even for the extra half hour I reserved, but call me if things get unbearable for you."

"Thanks, Doctor Burke, I have no clue what I could do to thank Rick, I mean, I can't buy the man anything, he has more money than he knows what to do with."

"I never said it should be bought or involve money Kate, just something from you that he will understand how much you appreciate his sacrifice for you, and your cause. Good Day" as he closed the door.

Kate could feel the sting of the normal kind Doctor's words, he was usually so gentle, but he being the official NYPD Psychiatrist had to know much more than just the average citizen.

Xx

**Dr. Curtis Tanaka's Office Chicago IL**

**Friday, 01:30 PM (Day 6 of Visit to Jordan Shaw) **

Rick, Gina, and Jordan are huddled together in the office waiting room. Unlike others this one was huge, it had 4 separate themed rooms, hundreds of current publications everything from Analytics to Zoology. The music was low, but soothing and took some of the edge off of Rick, as he sat holding both lady's hands.

He had spoken to one of Dr. Tanaka's associates yesterday, filling in the back story of what was happening, and it was his suggestion to bring both Gina and Jordan to today's appointments. They were almost 15 minutes early for his appointment, and precisely at 1:30 PM, the doors opened, and a friendly young lady motioned for them to come.

No names were uttered, and now it made sense to Rick, who knew who was sitting, just lurking for a story about one of the celebs seeing a shrink, he began to relax when he realized the steps the good doctor was taking to protect identities. When patients' conditions were discussed, it was by PN or Patient Number.

They proceeded to a huge room, that looked like a den, rather than a patient's room. A few minutes later, Dr. Tanaka knocked lightly then came in, a huge smile covering his face and firm handshakes to all.

"Hi, I'm Dr. T or Tanaka if you want to roll your syllables a bit, and the answer was Father Japanese, mother Irish, and my wife is from Hawaii, so yes we are multi-cultural as he laughed."

Rick immediately felt at ease, both Jordan and Gina could feel the tension leave his body as he laughed. This might work, after all, God, if prayers worked, Gina and Jordan's prayer group were burning up the lines to heaven for Rick. Even Brianna had asked God to let the doctors find what was hurting Uncle Rwik as she said her prayers the night before. Gina and Rick had said good night and stood in the doorway as Jordan tucked her in when they heard her prayer.

Tears filled Gina's eyes as she pulled Rick's head to her, his tears falling on her blouse. It really touched him, this was love, innocence, and what the world was supposed to be, If Only,


	11. Chapter 11

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Why does that bother you, Kate? Have you ever told Mr. Castle exactly how you feel, have you even thanked him for solving your mother's case, and almost dying? I don't mean a simple sentence, think what he would do had the situation been reversed. I'll go off the record and say this, Mr. Castle refused a medal from the city, he didn't want any reward that was earned on the blood of his friends. Roy Montgomery is alive today because of Mr. Castle, and I understand it has taken you some time to finally forgive him."_

"_Oh How I mean yes it took some time, but I have made my peace with Roy, we all make mistakes. I haven't been able to talk to Rick, how the hell am I supposed to show him my gratitude for all he's done for me,"_

"_Kate, that's your assignment for our next session, our time is up, even for the extra half hour I reserved, but call me if things get unbearable for you."_

************************************************************************************/

**Chapter 11**

**Dr. Curtis Tanaka's Office Chicago IL**

**Friday, 01:30 PM (Day 6 of Visit to Jordan Shaw) **

After the initial introductions, Gina feels Rick relax, Dr. T was different, he didn't push Rick, if others had the information, he would gladly listen to them, and then look to Rick for a confirmation nod. Rick realized that the Doctor was truly going out of his way to keep him from feeling any discomfort.

After the complete story had been told to Dr. T, as he checked the notes in front of him, making sure there were no holes in events or time lapses, he turned to Rick and asked,

"So, Rick, if you had one wish, what would it be right this very moment?"

Rick replied without batting an eye, "I want to be the old Rick, these night terrors, and my fears to be gone. I want to live life with my family and those I love" as his eyes turned toward Gina, locking eyes for a few moments, then to Jordan.

Dr. T smiled, "Very Good, sometimes I have patients who wish to win the lottery, or be able to go to some fancy destination, your reply is exactly what I'm looking for. It's realistic, and also tells me just how much these events, and please let's refer to them as events going forward, impact the quality of your life. My wife is a huge fan of your books, and was angry with you for two months when you killed Dennis Storm"

Gina laughed, perhaps for the first time in a long time, then Rick laugher, which made both the good Doctor and Jordan giggle as well,

"What was funny, Rick, did I mess something up?" Dr. T asked sincerely,

"I'll let Gina tell you, Dr. T, she was angry with me much longer than your wife for doing the same thing," as he was still struggling to control his laugh.

"I almost killed him, Dr. T, DERRICK was the character's first name, not Dennis, but we had at least 3 or 4 more best sellers in that series till Rick put his foot down, had his lawyers issue a lawsuit to enforce the clause in his contract of creative control, long story short, we had to come up with a new character and do it quickly"

"Well as you can see, it's not that I'm not a fan, but my reading list is a bit different than what you create Rick," as he smiled

"Actually, Doctor T, I'm glad to hear that, I wouldn't want to trust my mental health with a Derrick Storm Junkie" as both laughed, that seemed to seal the bond between Doctor and patient and Rick was more relaxed than he had been in months.

Gina looked over at Jordan who breathed a sigh of relief at the same time she had, now if this could only work.

"Rick, would you like to hear the entire process? I hope as you say you now know I'm not a color by number psychiatrist, but I've devoted many hours to others that share your condition.

I'll confess that this became my passion after losing my younger brother to suicide after he had returned from two tours in Afghanistan. He was hurting but I couldn't see it, or he wouldn't tell me. When we lost him, I made a pledge to honor his life by helping others escape these chains that pull you down to such lows in your life." As the smile disappeared and a sad look covered Doctor T's face.

"Thanks for sharing that Dr. T. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love, especially when you ask WHY it seemed like they had everything to live for, I know I used to do that, but now I understand. A feeling comes over you, and no matter how hard you struggle, without help, he reached out and grabbed Gina's hand, and smiled at Jordan, none of us would make it"

"Thanks, Rick, I appreciate those kind words, so what say you become part of Dan's legacy, let's get you better, then there will be another soldier posted to that huge picture mural in the hall. You may have noticed as you walked in, but it's an actual picture of my brother, and each time we have a successful outcome, a new picture of a soldier's silhouette is added to it. Just my way of keeping his memory alive and honoring his life and service." Doctor T was speaking as a friend now, rather than a doctor,

"Let's do it, Doctor," Rick smiled

The entire process was explained to all three, with the warnings that some of the treatment would take Rick back to the darkest moments he had faced in his life, moments locked away in his subconscious trying to be released.

It involved an overnight stay, once Doctor T had hypnotized Rick, then recording the terrors from Rick's point of view, as he would be asked the question what did he see, did he recognize the person, what were they doing, etc.

The next day, he would be sedated for four hours to allow his body to regain some energy and strength, then re-introduced to the same terrors recorded previously the night before, except this time, he would have exact phrases to say, to combat the memories, or thoughts that terrorized him.

The entire procedure would take the better part of two full days, so they decided to make an appointment for Monday, allowing Jordan to return to work, Rick and Gina would check into the hotel next door to the clinic and then once the procedure was over, Jordan would join them for the final discharge instructions.

As they prepared to leave the initial visit, Dr. T was embraced first by Gina, then by Jordan, and pulled into a Bro hug by Rick.

Jordan whispered, "You see this big lug means an awful lot to our family, I've got a 7-year-old Princess at home who will grill me about her Uncle Rwik and how he can get better" she smiled,

"We can't thank you enough, Dr. T, Alexis, our daughter called me before we left, and wanted an update, she just got engaged and felt so guilty she decided to stay for school this week, but I think she'll fell a ton of relief when we talk."

"Thank you, ladies, but I want to remind you, this is going to be tough, on Rick, on you Gina since you will be watching and hearing the dreams manifest, so with our technique, these events will either be gone or when they do arise, they can easily be dismissed. I won't sugar coat this, there is some work to be put in and tears that will be shed, I just have to be sure it'll be worth it when it's over."

"Doctor, I want to Thank You, I like it straight, no bullshit, and straight to the point for the bad and the good. I have motivation now beyond my family, which included Jordan and my little princess, I know this is for Dan as well. I can't do much, but if this helps honor him, I'm proud to be part of it."

"Thanks, Rick, all the information is in the packet, Nurse Julie will give you, including what foods to avoid Sunday evening after 9:00 PM, I'll see you then, enjoy your weekend." And he was off the hall to another patients' room.

As they made their way out of the clinic, Rick stopped and made reservations at the hotel next door, he booked the penthouse, might as well be comfortable. He and Gina planned on staying Saturday and Sunday to be rested for Monday.

Rick knew that Gina wanted to update Alexis and even Paula, and she would feel freer to do so away from Jordan's home. They felt very welcome, but after 6 days, it was time for any guest to find other accommodations', especially when both Tom and Jordan returned to work on Monday.

As they drove home Jordan seemed more upbeat, as she looked over at Gina and Rick, heads together, softly snoring as they fell asleep holding hands. Once again Jordan wondered, what the hell was wrong with Rick, God he had a woman who worshiped him, why wasn't that enough? Mind your business, she thought, it'll work out, and the Universe doesn't need your help, Jordan Shaw.

Rick awoke just as she was pulling into the garage, and then Gina, both apologizing for falling asleep.

"Hey, it was music to my ears, it meant that the Doctor was liked, and we all have faith this is going to get rid of that awful event that Rick has endured."

They enjoyed what was to be their last night at the Shaw residence, so Rick had a full course meal catered, including a child's menu for his princess so Tom or Jordan didn't have to cook. The food and service were great, Brianna fell asleep in Gina's arms as she was whispering back and forth about how her Uncle Rwik was and was the Doctor going to be able to help him.

As soon as Gina whispered, they were almost positive he was, she laid her head on her shoulder and fell asleep. Tom gently pried her out of Gina's arms and took her up to the bed, she had already brushed her teeth and had her PJ's on.

Gina's eyes filled, as she laid her head on Rick's shoulder. I get it now, Rick, you told me once there was a love only a parent or one that loved the child as if he or she were their own would understand. Now I understand, as she took his hand in hers, and gently kissed the back of his hand.

"Genes, for the record, you're the best Mom Alexis could ever have had, I mean you were there for everything, things I still haven't found out about, and to have my little girl that trusting in someone, well I admit I was jealous at first. It took times like this to understand, there's enough love in their hearts to love everyone"

"Speaking of your little girl, who for the record is a young woman now, she's expecting a call from her Dad so you better slip away and talk to her for a few minutes. She's worried about you Sweetie, we all are, but you and Lexi, well there's a bond nothing will ever break."

"Thanks for reminding me, she should be out of class by now, excuse me, I'll be back shortly" as he pulled Gina's hand reluctantly letting it go as he walked to a quiet spot to call Alexis"

"Well, what are you thinking Gina, really. I know something's on your mind?" Jordan asked gently,

"Well, honestly, I think I'm finally facing the fact that I may be losing him to her all over again. This time, it will be for good, and I know I said I could step away, but now that it's getting closer, I'm not so sure I can, I love him Jordan."

"Gina, you two seem closer than ever, what makes you think he still loves Kate?"

"I sleep with him Jordan, he talks in his sleep, and the first night, I thought the words were meant for me, but when he called her name, I knew he's not over her, no matter how badly she's hurt him. I seriously don't know what to do.

I know when he's awake and conscious, he's sincere, he's not pulling anything or trying to deceive me, he loves me, always has, but he's In Love with Beckett, and until that's over, I won't push it. I promised Alexis I would be here for him, and I will, but I have to face the probability that when he's well, eh I, you know the results, what they have always been."

"Gina, that was then, I'm not so sure now, I know he and Kate were hot on each other, but they never got their timing right, one was always with someone else, or not ready to commit, and believe me Beckett has serious issues, some that even the closure of Bracken going to prison still need professional help, at least in my opinion."

Rick has stood in the shadow overhearing Gina explain her fears to Jordan, and that made the information Alexis had relayed to him even more important. He had to prove to her that she was what he wanted, well at least he's pretty sure, almost positive, anyway, he'll show Gina.

He bumped the wall loud enough for the ladies to know he was on his way back out, and as he approached them, he saw Gina had been crying.

"Hey Princess, what's the matter, everything's going to be OK, just stay strong for me as he kissed each eye, and dabbed gently with his hankie, "No more tears OK?"

Gina forced a smile, "I'm sorry Rick, I guess I was just thinking about a lot of things, how are things by the kids, everything OK?"

"Yes, they're good, both aced finals and looking forward to a few more months, then they can start wedding planning in earnest. Alexis was pissed off at Beckett though, seemed she called all weekend trying to locate us, and finally got in touch with Alexis,"

"Well, was she OK, or what was she calling for?

"Something about having to know if I was doing OK, that she had a feeling and didn't get a chance to talk after Mother's Service, so she wanted Alexis to tell me to call her."

"Do you have any voicemails from her Rick, I mean call her if that would make her feel better, I just don't understand the concern now."

Rick opened his phone and showed Gina, all the missed calls he had from her, "Genes if I had wanted to talk to her, don't you think I would have answered, or at least returned one of these 35 calls?"

"I'm sorry Rick, guess the timing is bad," as tears fill her eyes,

"Hey, stop that, I'm here, and look, here's what we're going to do, see this," as he held up his phone to show a Group Text with Kate, Gina, and Alexis,

"_Got your message(s) Captain, rest assured, all is well, we will call if we need you, Thanks for your concern,_

_Rc _

He hit send and immediately Gina's phone pinged with a message, and as she read it, she began to cry once again.

"Did I say something wrong Genes," Rick looked puzzled,

"No, Rick, it was perfect, I just know it's going to hurt her, and I don't like to see that, even her get hurt."

"Genes, I love you, you love me, but I know I hurt you, I know I ramble in my sleep and you probably think I wish I was with her, but please, let's get this night terror thing fixed, then see if I mention her name. Please?"

"Rick, are you saying that you remember parts of the dream and she's there when you are hurt?"

He hung his head and nodded

"You better call Dr. T tomorrow and let him know please?"

"I will, I sent him an email already once we left, but I'll follow up, I didn't want to say anything in front of you to hurt you,"

"You lovable dumb ass, don't you know that nothing would hurt me as much as you having to keep going through these events?"

Jordan stood and said "I think it's time to say Good Night and Rick… I'm with Gina, tell the truth, all of it, and let the chips fall where they do."

"Rick had pulled Gina in his lap and was speaking softly to her when they both looked up and said "Good Night Jordan, see you in the morning"

Rick just sat there holding her for a few minutes, till he finally asked,

"Forgive me?"

"Of course, and it's time for bed, you look exhausted.

"OK, and Genes, Thank You, for everything but most of all, for being with me through all of this, it means the world to me,"

"There's nowhere I would rather be, through the good or bad", as she gave his hand a squeeze,


	12. Chapter 12

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

_"I sleep with him Jordan, he talks in his sleep, and the first night, I thought the words were meant for me, but when he called her name, I knew he's not over her, no matter how badly she's hurt him. I seriously don't know what to do._

_I know when he's awake and conscious, he's sincere, he's not pulling or trying to deceive me, he loves me, always has, but he's In Love with Beckett, and until that's over, I won't push it. I promised Alexis I would be here for him, and I will, but I have to face the probability that when he's well, eh I, you know the results, what they have always been."_

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**Chapter 12**

**Dr. Curtis Tanaka's Office Chicago IL**

**Sleep Clinic Division**

**Monday, 05:30 AM (Day 9 of Visit to Jordan Shaw) **

**FLASHBACK to SUNDAY Before the Procedure**

Rick and Gina had spent the weekend at the hotel, and doing some sightseeing, during the day. Brianna wouldn't hear of her Uncle Rwik, and Miss Gina not coming to her house, so they had dinner with them on Sunday. It was mostly filled with small talk, all knowing that the next week would as Dr. T said, be hell, especially for Rick.

He seemed to lose himself when he played with Brianna, and the diversion was welcomed by all. Gina could feel the tenseness in his hands when he reached for her, and he seemed lost in thought often. The only thing that seemed to pull him out of his trance was the little girl who couldn't get enough of playing with her Uncle, then he was lost in some faraway magical land that he and Brianna had made up.

The day passed all too quickly, and they left, much to the dismay of Brianna, with the promise to keep them informed of the procedure, and how Rick was faring. The suite seemed far too big, it allowed Rick to get lost in his thoughts, with Gina wondering, about him, herself, and what if any relationship she would have once this procedure was completed.

She had been living with him for over a month now, but he was yet to initiate sex, the closest they came was the DTS as he called it when she woke him from his night terrors early on. They held hands, they kissed, but not like lovers, not like before, and Gina knew in her heart that he was slipping away, and would soon be gone again.

He must have picked up on her thoughts Sunday evening, as she just sat and stared at the skyline, so beautiful, but a reminder that each of us faces sunsets in our lives, was this hers and Ricks?

"Hey Genes, you look so serious, are you worried about tomorrow or is there something else going through your beautiful head?" he tried to joke,

"Rick, of course, I'm worried about you, about tomorrow, but mostly I'm worried that my love for you won't be enough anymore. You realize we've slept in the same bed for over a month, and I know, the night terrors have played a huge part, but seriously you haven't attempted to touch me. And NO, we don't count the nipple fondling while you were still deeply asleep?"

"Gina, I., eh,"

"Stop, just stop OK, I know you're in love with her, you can't help that, as you said the heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe that's why I love you, my heart still wants you and the old days. Maybe I'm the one who's living in the dream and you're trying to keep it real."

"Gina, you know I love you, I always will, but I can't take care of myself right now. Leave Beckett out of this for now, until I know that I can sleep like I used to, dream without feeling the knives pierce my back, see the whole event unfold all over again as I looked down at my own body until then I can't bring anyone into my personal messed up world.

You've been here for me, every minute, every second, and are more devoted than many wives are to their husbands, but please Gina, can you give me a few weeks, then we can talk about this again? I want to feel like a man again, not some whimpering child when I hold you or make love, I want the passion to burn between us like the old days, not pity, OK?"

"I'm sorry Rick, I shouldn't have pressured you, I understand,"

"Genes, please Sweetie, don't be hurt, I don't know what's going to happen after the procedure, but I promise you, we will sit down and talk, really talk, so you know exactly where I'm coming from, right now, that's the best I can do"

"No, don't apologize, please it was my insecurity, not yours, and I'm glad you promised that we would talk, that's one thing we didn't do enough of." She left to shower, her tell that tears were falling, she only cried in the shower. No matter what happened, someone is going to be hurt,

**PRESENT TIME**

Gina hadn't slept at all, Rick perhaps a few hours so they were both up, showered dressed and waiting on the car service at 4:00 AM. Rick couldn't eat, only limited liquids, and no caffeine, so Gina was being the trooper with him and foregoing her morning coffee as well. The silence between them was unusual, but based on their conversation last evening, neither wanted to re-open a wound.

She let him know she was still in his corner, just quietly, as she held his hand and made the small circles gently on his skin, a sign of I love you and small butterfly kisses. He lifted her hand and kissed the back of it, as he stared and waited for the phone to ring, thankfully it did, the car service was here and it was finally time to leave.

The ride to the clinic was unusually quiet, this was the first time she felt awkward with her former husband since they had reunited. There never was a question of did he love her, the real question she needed answered was he in love with her enough to start over again, or was his heart still in the grasp of Beckett.

He must have sensed her insecurities, he had always been able to read her like a book, and that apparently hadn't changed.

"Genes, please, just a little longer I promise you will have the answers you need, and deserve, I promise you."

"Of Course," as she patted his hand and held it just a tad tighter.

Xx

**Sleep Clinic **

**6:15 AM**

Gina was in the room as Rick changed into the dreaded hospital gown, some pervert who loved Asses had to be the designer of these damn things, but he had, with Gina's assistance gotten changed, and calmed down lying in bed listening to a mix of hits from the '80s seemed to relax him. She sat next to his bed, gently wiping the hair off his forehead, and looking into his eyes,

"Rick, this is one time in your life to be selfish, do this for you, not for anyone else, not me, not Kate, just get well and let the chips fall where they may. I'll be waiting here to talk when the doctor says it's time. Sweetie, they are motioning me to leave, so remember, I love you," she kissed him deeply and sweetly, then still looking him in his eyes, "this one is for Alexis and Mike", as she kissed him shorter but still sweet. I'll be as close as they let me, OK?"

She could feel him begin to tense, but he tried to be strong, "Thanks Genes, I love you too, see you on the other side of this event" as he just finished when they wheeled him into another room, out of sight. Doctor T came, and showed her a lounge where she could observe and hear if she chose, the headphones were there on the table,

"Some choose to hear, others not, it's entirely up to you?" the kind Doctor said,

"Well, what do you think Doctor, I've lived through the mumble-jumble of the night terrors, I don't think anything he says now will hurt me."

"Gina, I remind you once we reach the deep hypnosis phase, whatever comes out of Rick as a response will pattern how we design his responses if you have any reservations at all, then just take the headphones off at any time.

Also, if you can't bear to see him thrashing as he most likely will do, the remote there will lower the blind, we know this is a radical procedure and as much as people want to be ready for it, sometimes they're not." Doctor T was very kind, instructing her where Coffee, tea, and snacks were stored, he truly wanted everyone to be as comfortable as possible.

"Are you comfortable Gina? Is there anything I or my staff can get you before we get into this procedure?" His eyes were so kind as he asked Gina,

"Dr. T, just give me back Rick, that's all I want." He smiled and patted her hand,

"Doing our best, talk to you soon."

Dr. T had just gotten Rick under when there was a noise behind her, she turned and there stood Jordan with nurse Julie behind her.

"Gina, I hope you don't mind but Tom insisted you not be by yourself today, and since all I had was paperwork, I took the day off to spend with you, that is if you want me."

Gina was out of her chair and hugging Jordan, "Thanks Jordan, and make this up to that wonderful husband of yours for being so considerate. Of course, I want you here, I just didn't want to intrude on your plans."

"Gina, please, like I have anything more important than my family."

Gina smiled, and slipped her headphones on, Jordan followed suit, and they could hear the questions and since Rick had a microphone directly in front of him all of his responses, intelligible and non were picked up.

The first series of questions were easy, non-invasive, such as his favorite color, what schools had he attended, a favorite memory from each, then they led into deeper and deeper topics. Dr. T had a script he had developed exclusively for Rick,

"Name your first serious relationship and describe how you felt?" Dr. T asked,

"Well, I had girlfriends in High School but nothing more than I think a month in duration, till I met Kyra Blaine in college, our freshmen year. We went together for three years. How did I feel? On top of the world, we seldom fought, she was supportive of my writing passion but when I met her mother, things begin to change.

Sheila Blaine hated me and made it her mission to break us up, took her a while but she succeeded our senior year. Kyra left for a golden opportunity in Paris, and I returned to school heartbroken for the first time in my life.

"How did you recover from your first heartbreak you just described?"

"I completed the novel I was working on, I had to rework the characters from a happily ever after to real life, but it sold over a million copies, guess people like to read a guy pouring his heart out on page after page.

"Anything else, did you go out or meet anyone new?"

"Oh yes, my Mother, Rest Her Soul, thought it was best to climb right back on the bicycle once you fell, her metaphor, not mine, but she introduced me to a young actress my age, I humored my mother and went out with her."

"Did anything else happen with this date and what was her name"

"I'm sorry, her name was Meredith, and I remember we went to a movie then I thought I was taking her home but we wound up at her girlfriends house, empty of course, and well, not talking out of turn, she seduced me, although she didn't have to work very hard."

Even under hypnosis, Rick remembered his manners, Gina smiled, he was always a gentleman. Jordan noticed her smiling with the headphones perched on her head but not covering her ears, she could hear Rick, but also the room.

"Hey there, you OK? I know this is rough having Rick talk about his past, but it's needed" Jordan defended,

"No, I'm fine, Rick told me this all before, we talked, for hours, when we first hooked up, and he was so open."

Jordan walked over to the table and brought Gina back a doughnut and cup of coffee,

"Got a feeling we're going to be here a while, and if you want, I'll leave when he starts discussing your relationship." Jordan smiled

"No, I've nothing to hide, and besides you need to hear the whole story not just my take on what happened, there's always three versions, his, mine, and the absolute truth, hopefully, they will all be close."

Dr. T glanced at the clock and then said,

"Rick, we are taking a short 15-minute break, while we are away, I want you to completely relax and think of a pleasant spot, pretend that's where you are until we resume, OK?"

"I'm going to my beach house in the Hamptons Doctor, call me when you guys get back" as Rick's pulse and heart rate slowed, proving he was almost in a trance, but relaxing.

Gina took this opportunity to go to the lady's room, she knew there would be a lot to tell, about both her and Kate and she had to be prepared for the worst.

"I'll be right back Jordan, thanks again for being with me" as she walked away. Gina wasn't the only one fearful of what was to come, Jordan was as well, but she was there to support, not offer her opinions. She could tell why her co-worker had been scared, it was almost like opening the vault to the doctor for every and any memory he chose to prompt you to talk about, frightening for everyone.


	13. Chapter 13

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Did anything else happen with this date and what was her name"_

"_I'm sorry, her name was Meredith, and I remember we went to a movie then I thought I was taking her home but we wound up at her girlfriends house, empty of course, and well, not talking out of turn, she seduced me, although she didn't have to work very hard."_

_Even under hypnosis, Rick remembered his manners, Gina smiled, he was always a gentleman. Jordan noticed her smiling with the headphones perched on her head but not covering her ears, she could hear Rick, but also the room._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX/

**Chapter 13**

**Dr. Curtis Tanaka's Office Chicago IL**

**Sleep Clinic Division**

**Monday, 09:30 AM (Day 9 of Visit to Jordan Shaw) **

Rick had been under hypnosis for almost three hours and Doctor T had gently guided him from happy times of his youth to his first heartbreak, then his beginning with Meredith.

The questions would become more and more difficult, not only for Rick but for Gina to listen to the answers, knowing this was coming from deep inside his subconscious, hard to lie when you're under.

"OK Rick, we're back are you ready to continue, any discomforts or anything you need?" Dr. T asked gently,

"Good to go, Doctor, ask away" he replied.

"Very well, we left off with the start of your date with Meredith, can you elaborate on how that relationship progressed?"

"As I said, the sex was terrific, she was perhaps the wildest partner I had ever made love to in my limited experience. We dated for two months, with an emphasis on sex, I really don't remember much more than that of our dates. Things were going great until she told me she was pregnant and wanted an abortion."

"How did you react to this news Rick; did you agree or disagree with her wishes?" Again, Dr. T was neutral in his voice allowing Rick to answer honestly.

"We fought, awful fights, I wasn't raised all religious, but I never believed in abortions. I stepped up and did what I thought a real man should do, I proposed and she accepted. Looking back, I really don't know why, but she did. We were married at city hall, and our life together began."

"How would you describe your time with your wife, did you live in harmony, or was there continued stress"

"There was never harmony, we fought all the time, all the way to the hospital when she was ready to deliver until I really just didn't want to fight anymore and gave in."

"How was life after becoming a father, was there any radical changes on your part, or your wife's?"

"I cut back in school to allow me to work a full-time job, it delayed my graduation by one quarter but I was a husband and a Dad and I had responsibilities. Meredith continued to spend as though we had unlimited resources, hiring a personal trainer to get her back in shape for movie roles. I came home one day, to find Alexis, my daughter crying in her crib, wet, needing to be changed, and Meredith and some strange man in our bed. I threw him out, then his clothes, and she got angry with me."

"You said your wife got angry with you when you caught her in a compromising position, how did she explain that to you?"

"She told me it was part of her job, and to get used to it. It hadn't been the first time, and wouldn't be the last, and now I had cost her the part, so I better work overtime to pay the bills."

"How did you respond to that?"

"I attended to my daughter, called my mother in New York who wired me plane fare to come to stay with her, and left. Black Pawn signed me three weeks later, my divorce was final October 8th, and I was signed October 9th, so she wasn't qualified for any of my future earnings, she had signed that right away, in exchange for me taking full custody of our daughter, what mother signs her own daughter away" his voice cracks with emotion

"Do you need a few minutes Rick?"

"No, no I'm good, please proceed"

The interview process went on through the early years of Black Pawn, Gina blushed when Rick had described her as the "Hot young Editor, that if he hadn't been burnt twice in the last few years would take a chance and ask her out, she would say no, he knew it, but he could ask"

A tear came to Gina's eye, as she quietly whispered, "You dumb ass, I kept waiting and waiting, you should have asked then Rick"

Jordan just patted her hand, without saying a word

Doctor T led Rick through a series of questions about their time together, including a revelation that Rick thought Gina would turn him down because he had a daughter,

"I loved Alexis long before I fell under your charm Rick if you only knew the nights, I prayed you would ask me out, let me part of yours and Alexis life."

The questions about why the relationship ended and what was the resolution were perhaps the most difficult for Gina and Jordan to listen to. Rick acknowledged the lion's share of the blame because he was afraid of sharing his daughter with his new wife. When he was asked was it because she didn't love her, his answer floored Gina,

"No, Gina loved Alexis more than her birth mother ever did, no matter how tough things got between us, she was always Mom to Alexis, even today, and God knows why she's here to help. My mother sent me a letter a year after her death via her attorney, and she revealed in that letter that Gina was her choice, not Katherine as she called her"

"Did you ever share this information with Gina, Rick?"

Gina's tears are streaming down her face as she shakes her head no, to confirm Rick's response,

"No, I'm selfish when it comes to my daughter, and I cheated Gina out of so much, so I need to be sure to apologize, I won't remember this Doctor so please remind me"

"I made a note of that Rick, we will remind you."

The next hour was dedicated to probing Rick's life before he met Kate, after his divorce, and what his mindset was. Gina was shocked to find out that he had always felt unworthy of the accolades, and his comment of finding self-worth when he assisted in bringing someone to justice, shocked her. She hadn't known the bravado was just a front for a frightened man, trying to make a difference.

After another 15-minute break, the truly hard part came. Doctor T started with questions about the last three days at the precinct and how the relationship, partnership Rick called it, had deteriorated. Jordan was seeing red, Gina's fists were balled as if she were ready to punch someone as Rick answered the doctor's questions about Demming, Kate, the boys and how he felt.

"So please correct me if this is incorrect, but Detective Beckett, your partner, was working with an official Detective from Robbery to help solve a case, and the treatment you described was all after she made a come on to the new Detective. She made no attempt to hide it from you, rather she tried to show him off as much as possible in front of you, is that correct?"

"That's correct Doctor."

"Why did you stay as long as you did before you ended the partnership?"

"The case wasn't closed, and her new Detective was taking them completely down a wrong path, the victims deserve justice, regardless of some hurt feelings."

"I see, were you successful in getting closure for the victims, and if so then what happened."

"We finished the case, I actually sat out and let Detective Beckett's boyfriend take the credit, and the next day I showed up at the precinct. She reminded me in a hurry that I missed action by a real cop and they solved the case. I congratulated her, stood up, told her Thank You for the time and showing me the ropes, and shook her hand, telling her the time to end the partnership was now. I walked away, leaving her to tell her team what she desired, they didn't care about anything I said anyway."

"Was that the last time you spoke to Detective Beckett before the attempt on your life?"

"Yes, she called a few times, but I really had nothing to say so I let it go to voice mail if she needed help on a case, she had her boyfriend two floors down."

"Tell me about the incidents leading up to you getting injured, almost killed, according to the reports, are they accurate?"

"Two days or so, maybe three, I don't remember I know I was on a writing spree, almost caught up to my editor, well Gina's expectations when I received a strange phone call, telling me a life was in the balance if I didn't meet him in the park the next morning."

"Did you meet the gentleman who called you and if so, what happened?"

"I didn't trust him, but when someone mentions someone, I care about is marked for death, I take it seriously. I got to the spot early, and hid, watched him appear, then I made contact. We walked deeper into the park, and I suddenly felt the barrel of a gun in my ribs, it was the enforcer for the older man I originally met."

"Was there any discussion between the two of you?"

"Yes, I was foolish but I goaded him and he told me to let it go, Beckett was already dead the contract killer had been paid in full, and he never missed. I asked him how he knew so damn much, he told me that the killer was his younger sadistic brother Dick Coonan. I don't remember much after that, I know I got hit in the head, and I sat in the swings till I got my balance back."

Gina was crying now, "Damn Fool almost got killed for her"

"Can you tell me what happened after that, and Rick please be as explicit as you need to be,"

Rick relived shadowing Beckett, during the night, installing cameras in common areas, and watching her for three nights, till a commotion caused an adjacent building to almost empty. When he got back to his car he was greeted with the Sig and knife in his back. Once again, he goaded the younger brother, for information. Rick was very explicit, and Gina was chewing through her bottom lip, as tears fell when Rick almost cried when telling of Beckett with Demming in a hotel,

"When did you find this out and how were you able to survive the attack"

Once again Rick explained his conversation with Jordan Shaw, and her backing him up. With the panic icon on his phone, he had pressed it shortly before Coonan mocked him and told him to picture Beckett with her legs spread open and Demming doing the deed, pumping her harder and harder, and as he choked out the last words, as you lay dying for a cop who's too busy fucking her boyfriend to know you're alive or dead.

Gina's eyes were pouring out tears as Rick fought with each emotion, struggling to get the words out. Dr. T guided him into more details and with each new revelation he seemed to lose composure, till he finally cried,

"Why wasn't I ever enough, I tried, I tried harder than I ever have in my life, no matter what I did it wasn't enough, Why, Why, Why?" He broke down almost the same as Gina had witnessed in his night terrors,

Gina was up off her seat, walking, pacing, tears flowing, and anger spewing from her eyes, why indeed, how could anyone destroy another human being the way that Rick had been?

Dr. T signaled his staff, Gina had been right, it was the combination of Coonan's stabs but what hurt Rick more, caused the terrors were the unanswered question Why he was never enough?

Gina was crying so hard Jordan held her, just comforting her, as Dr. T came into the room.

"It was tough I know, especially for you Gina, but we can now move forward. You were totally correct, it was him questioning his worth to Detective Beckett, almost like he deserved to get injured, almost killed. I would have expected anger or rage at Coonan, and I was surprised, you know him so well Gina, thank you."

She had composed herself enough to ask the next steps, and how long could she stay with him.

"He won't remember any of this Gina, and no matter how hard he presses you, PLEASE don't tell him, give him hints or anything that would undermine the treatment portion of the procedure, please"

"I promise Doctor, he won't get any information from me, he has to be exhausted, I know I am."

"He will be asleep for the next four hours since we were able to find the repressed memory after he gets some rest, we'll start treatment option one this afternoon, if that is unsuccessful, we have two other options for tomorrow. If this one works, we'll let you stay overnight next to him, and discharge him in the morning, how does that sound?"

"Great Doctor, actually better than I expected.

"I have two lunch trays coming up for you and Jordan, once you finish eating, recline in the chairs, and sleep, 4 hours and we start the hard part of trying to get his psyche to accept our treatment. You may see Rick about 45 minutes before we begin again, OK?"

"Yes of course Doctor, thank you very much" she managed to get out between sobs

See you in four hours, and Gina, please take what was said with a grain of salt, I know how hurtful it was, but please trust the process," his kind eyes look at her, till she nods, and then he's gone.


	14. Chapter 14

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

_Gina was up off her seat, walking, pacing, tears flowing, and anger spewing from her eyes, why indeed, how could anyone destroy another human being the way that Rick had been?_

_Dr. T signaled his staff, Gina had been right, it was the combination of Coonan's stabs but what hurt Rick more, caused the terrors were the unanswered question Why he was never enough?_

_Gina was crying so hard Jordan held her, just comforting her, as Dr. T came into the room._

"_It was tough I know, especially for you Gina, but we can now move forward. You were totally correct, it was him questioning his worth to Detective Beckett, almost like he deserved to get injured, almost killed. I would have expected anger or rage at Coonan, and I was surprised, you know him so well Gina, thank you."_

*******************************************************************************/

**Chapter 14**

**Dr. Curtis Tanaka's Office Chicago IL**

**Sleep Clinic Division**

**Monday, 12:30 PM (Day 9 of Visit to Jordan Shaw) **

The trays were delivered as Dr. T promised, although neither Gina or Jordan ate much, both lost in their thoughts, both silently hoping that this treatment would work and they wouldn't need to return tomorrow.

Gina paced back and forth, dabbing her eyes, from time to time, and finally, Jordan spoke,

"You know he loves you don't you Gina, like Dr. T said, take the rest with a grain of salt" Jordan tried to comfort her,

"Thanks, Jordan, I know you mean well, and are trying to spare my feelings, but I know Rick, better than almost anyone on this earth, besides Alexis. His mumbles and tear-filled questions were proof, he's in love with her, and always will be.

Even this can't kill the love he has for her, so if his love survives something this disastrous, it's pretty plain to see that it will survive anything. He can't say that about us, we've both already proved that.

I need to prepare myself for what I know is best for us all. Once he is well, truly well and back to himself, I'm going to do what I said I would do, give him up and walk away. I'll always be Alexis's Mom, but I think it's unfair for me knowing his inner thoughts, his love for another woman to stay and allow him to stay with me out of guilt, or a sense of debt.

I know what he would do if it were me, and I love him enough to see him happy. Jordan, I may be a fool, and it's going to kill me when I walk away but tell me I'm wrong, seriously, you do this for a living. Am I wrong, or is his love for Kate still as strong as it ever was?

It's masked now with deep hurt, but that will never have the opportunity to heal with me in the picture, Rick will always consider my feelings over his. I can't live knowing I am depriving him of what his heart wants, even if it's not me."

Jordan walked over and hugged her, and her nonverbal response confirmed to Gina she was correct. The hard part now was to talk to Alexis, and then sit down with Rick and explain her reasoning, even over his objections. This would wait till he was sleeping full nights, without the terror attacks, and the Doctors thought it was safe for her to go back to her place.

The ladies sat there, both crying softly for over an hour, Jordan for what Gina was going through, and about to put herself through, and Rick, God he had been through so much already. She just hoped he could understand Gina's reasoning, it was still clear to her that Kate was his desire for everlasting love, but even she, the romantic of the FBI had her doubts. There was a lot of hurts, make that tons of hurt before and after the incident that could derail any reconciliation.

They were sitting quietly watching the skyline when Dr. T stepped into the room and asked if Gina, or Jordan, or both wanted to go back to see Rick for a few minutes before they began the treatment phase.

"Ladies, would one or both of you want to visit Rick, for a while, we are beginning to set up the treatment now, and it will be about 45 minutes."

"Go ahead Gina, you need to see him, I'll be fine right here Jordan said."

Gina had her hand already and simply pulled her up, "I could really use your support now Jordan, I don't want to give anything away that might interfere with the treatment. I know he'll be glad to see you as well." She smiled a sad smile

"OK, let's go, he'll be worried why you're not back there if we wait too long."

As they walked into the room, Rick lay on the bed with his eyes closed, but he opened then wide and a huge genuine smile appeared when he saw Gina, it got even bigger when Jordan appeared from behind her.

"Hey there pretty ladies, what you been doing, anything interesting you want to share?"

"See Jordan, I told you the first words out of his mouth, trying to get us to tell the secrets," Gina smiled but it was a tired, sad smile. Rick saw it as he held her hand, but just associated it with the long day she already had.

"Well Rick, I'll let you in on the scoop, you tell really lousy jokes, awake or asleep" as she forced a laugh,

"Hey, I'm the patient" Rick feigned hurt but smiled back

"So how did I do?" he tried another approach, greeted with both ladies just giving him looks that he knew better than to ask again.

"Well, the good news is they are trying the treatment this afternoon, rather than making you wait till tomorrow, so rest, you look exhausted." Gina smiled and took his hand, took it to her lips and kissed the back of his hand gently.

"Yeah, Dr. T seemed pretty excited about that, well till I asked him if he discounted for superior patients?" Rick smiled, some of his old sense of humor was coming back.

"Rick, you're incorrigible" Jordan smiled,

"Hey, you know not everyone loves you as we do, so you may want to watch the jokes with Doctors who can change your behavior or nurses with sharp objects" again a tired smile from Gina as she squeezed his hand.

On that note, a knock was heard and they were rolling the bed into the treatment room, this time Gina and Jordon would not be able to witness the procedure. It was a method developed by Dr. T. and as he said, it was going to be hell for Rick in moments, perhaps long moments, and he didn't want his loved ones to witness him going through something worse than the terrors they had already seen.

Gina leaned in to kiss him good-bye, and she was surprised when his hand came up to hold her for a longer, deeper kiss. His eyes were full, as he said, "You know I love you Genes, I'll never be able to thank you for being with me through this,"

"Hey, I love you too, just concentrate so the treatment works and we can get back to the loft and a good cheeseburger from Remy's" she smiled,

"Sounds like a date," as he smiled and pulled her in for another kiss.

Jordan leaned in and kissed his cheek, and made him laugh when she quipped, "Don't try that tongue stuff with me Mr. I'm married." Rick laughed then licked her cheek lightly, something the old Rick would have done. Perhaps just getting his psyche heard would help, but they would await Dr. T's assessment, he was the professional.

One more hand squeeze, and long look into his eyes, and he was through the doors marked **No Admittance, Authorized Staff Only.**

Gina and Jordan were back in a different waiting lounge, still far above normal medical waiting rooms either had seen before. Gina was quiet, tears in her eyes, and then pacing back and forth, Jordan wanted to help, but regardless Gina had earned the right to hear the truth.

"Gina, I want to ask you to swear that what I'm about to tell you will never be repeated, promise me please?"

"I promise, what's this about Jordan?"

"Well, somethings were going on that only those cleared have been privy too, I don't even think they told Rick the complete story, but you deserve to know, and I promise when the time is right, I will tell Rick.

Everyone heard that at the time of Rick's stabbing Kate was in a motel room with Tom Demming, but why? They both had apartments, both were far above the age where a parent was going to catch them doing the deed? Why was it so important to be in a hotel room, on that day, at that time?"

Gina nods, just listening in agreement, that part had bothered her from the moment she had heard the story.

"Everyone knows that Demming was one of the Cops taken down, many don't know on what charge, it's conspiracy to commit murder on a Police Officer. He was on Coonan's payroll to get Kate out of comfortable surroundings, definitely out of the 12th precinct, so when they found her dead in a hotel room, it couldn't be traced back to Demming or his boss.

His sole job was to get close to Kate, sweep her off her feet, make her put her guard down and then take her to the designated area to meet her fate, just so you know, there was nothing that went on at the hotel, apparently Kate switched drinks with him, and he drugged himself rather than her. She left the hotel, and returned to her apartment, not knowing that Demming had turned her phone off, till hours later. Demming was still passed out in the hotel for hours.

When the nurse called from the hospital after Coonan had been killed, Demming knew that he had fouled up and took a vacation to avoid Coonan's boss, or brother coming after him. He was actually arrested at his sister's in Queens with different hair color and beard. Gina, remember, these facts are not publicly known, so please, keep our deal and say nothing to no one, not even Rick."

Gina sat almost in a state of shock, till finally she nodded her head, then said "I understand Jordan, so in some ways Kate was a victim as well, it doesn't excuse the behavior before towards Rick, but I'm sure if Demming was coming on to get her setup he really poured it on, and hell we've all been wrong at one time or another."

"Right Gina, I agree that her behavior to anyone, especially someone who had done as much for her as Rick was deplorable, but she had fallen hook, line, and sinker for the plan to get her into the spot where she would be murdered. She was lucky her instincts told her to switch drinks or who knows what Demming would have done."

"Jordan, you are going to have to tell this to Rick, it might change the hardness in his heart, he's in love with her, but he can't get over Coonan mocking him as he lay dying, which we know now didn't happen. As for the phone, that I can accept, and explains why she was late getting to the hospital. Actually, it brings her behavior back in alignment with what she told Rick afterward. She's not been shy about telling him she fucked up, she loved him and she wanted him."

"Gina, Why on God's Earth did you make Rick call and tell Kate what was going on, he said you didn't want her to find out through the press. You knew then that if the other details could be worked out, you had lost him, didn't you?"

Gina bowed her head and just shook it yes, after a long pause, a few dabs of her eyes she spoke,

"Jordan, could you live if every time Tom made love to you, the question popped into your mind, was it me, or was it his last girlfriend? No matter what or how hard he tries to show me when he's awake and conscious, he still dreams of her. It hurts, and maybe this sounds like a desperate woman, but I was willing to accept that, quantifying it by the thought, I had him all but the few hours he was asleep. How sad is that?"

"Gina, it's not sad at all, but as you said, you have to time this all out carefully, it's more than you and Rick that will be impacted by your decision. Alexis, Kate, and our family as well. I want you to know we have grown to love you and no matter what happens, you're welcome here anytime." Jordan's eyes fill, but she won't let the tears fall

"Then, I'm not crazy doing on what I plan on doing Jordan? I think I'll work with Dr. T, confidentially of course, and Alexis and I will go away for a weekend, she's going to take this hard. I don't want her to hate Kate, even if she's an adult woman now, about to get married herself, she can't feel that way about her Dad's choice, the one that completes him."

Jordan just bowed her head, she was sad, no matter what someone was going to be hurt deeply, and now it appeared to be the one who had done the most was going to be that one hurt.

A soft tap on the door brought both ladies out of their deep thoughts, as an exhausted Dr. T, his scrubs almost wet from sweat, and his hair messed up stepped into the room. Jordan noticed the shade to the room they had first observed Rick in was now closed and nothing was visible.

"Gina, Jordan, are you ready for some good news?

Both ladies looked up and now Dr. T has a hand of each in his. "We'll be adding another soldier to Dan's portrait. Rick should be cured of the panic attacks and the night terrors. If he ever has one again and isn't coming out, just say very loudly, "You are Enough, repeat after me You are Enough" and do that till he responds with his verbal response. I think it would be wise if he found clinical help in New York when he returns home, just to keep him on track and keep everything from going off the rails so to speak."

"So, no more night terrors, or shakes or crying in his dreams Doctor?" Gina asked

"He may have bad dreams Gina, this doesn't cure-all, but it will take away those debilitating episodes that leave him afraid to lie down to sleep."

"Thank You Doctor" Gina pulls the smaller man in for a hug, regardless of his wet scrubs and obvious signs of exertion.

He held her for a moment, and then just said softly, "Gina, I know you will do what's best for Rick, please wait at least one month before making any bold moves, if there are no episodes by then, then it should be safe to discuss the many things that you two must talk about."

"Of Course, thank you again, Doctor T."

Jordan asked, "Dr. T I see the shade to the room Rick was originally in is drawn, is there a reason should we be concerned?"

He smiled his little boy smile, "No, we usually allow patients privacy as they shower and change into the fresh clothes they brought, but if you want, we could raise the shade," he laughed as Jordan blushed,

"Just wait till I tell Tom; you're trying to sneak peeks at Rick in the au natural" Gina laughed.

"Gina, don't be surprised if Rick is tired, and sleeps the remainder of the day, and even longer tomorrow. His body has been through a great deal in a short amount of time, and he needs rest now."

True to the Doctor's warning Rick was asleep moments after getting into the car to travel home. Tom assisted getting him into the guest room, Gina got his PJ's on and covered him, drew the shades, and kissed his forehead, it was time for her to start planning on saying Goodbye.


	15. Chapter 15

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Thank You Doctor" Gina pulls the smaller man in for a hug, regardless of his wet scrubs and obvious signs of exertion._

_He held her for a moment, and then just said softly, "Gina, I know you will do what's best for Rick, please wait at least one month before making any bold moves, if there are no episodes by then, then it should be safe to discuss the many things that you two must talk about."_

"_Of Course, thank you again, Doctor T."_

**************************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 15**

**Castle's Loft**

**New York**

**5 Weeks later**

Gina and Rick could hardly believe the change in Rick's behavior, he had slept almost every night without incident, one or two bad dreams but the night terrors were gone. He relaxed now when it was time to go to bed, not shudder as he had when Gina first came to the loft.

Other than a few kisses, and hand-holding, nothing had happened between the two, but Gina could tell Rick was becoming more amorous by the day. As badly as she wanted one last weekend in bed with him, she refused, instead, she and Alexis traveled to San Francisco over the weekend for a Mom, Daughter renewal of sorts after speaking confidentially with Dr. T for clearance to move back to her home which she received.

**Black Pawn Executive Suite**

**San Francisco Hilton Hotel**

**Friday Evening**

Gina was breaking the news to Alexis that she would be returning to her own home, AND that her father was still deeply in love with Kate Beckett. The news hit Alexis just as Gina had expected,

"Mom, **NO, NO, NO** you can't do this, you just can't and how the hell do you know if Kate is capable of loving anyone."

"Baby, please come here, remember when your Dad and I separated and you and I went out so I could have some alone time with you? I promised you I would always be your Mom, and I will, nothing has changed, but there are some things that your Dad, hell a lot of people don't know what happened during that time. Kate was actually just as much a victim as Rick, hard to believe but Lexi, I have never lied to you, and I won't start now."

"Mom, please don't go, you love Dad, he loves you, what more do you need to be happy, really Mom, What?"

"Just one thing sweetie, I need your Dad to love me more than he loves Kate, and he can't, he tried Lexi, he tried so very hard. Honey, it's not a choice in life, sometimes we can't help the ones we love, and you can't turn it off like a switch. God knows I've tried"

"Mom, how do you know he loves Kate more, were there tests, or what happened in Chicago? Don't get me wrong, I love Aunt Jordie, but if she's the one who said that then she's wrong, so wrong Mom, please."

"Sweetie, I watched your Dad. Along with Aunt Jordie go through the hypnosis part, he couldn't lie when he was awake, and he sure couldn't lie when he was under the doctor's session. He fought, even under he fought so hard to give the answers that he knew would return him to me, but when the hard question came, he had to answer truthfully, it was then that the Doctor, Aunt Jordan, and I all concluded he would forever be in love with Kate."

Alexis began to cry and just hold Gina like she had done when he learned of her and Rick's divorce, she shook she was crying so hard. Gina finally got her calmed down enough to sit on a park bench.

"Baby, I know it's you that's always getting punched in the gut when it comes to your Dad and me, but this time, it's not like before. This time I'm leaving to a"

"To allow Kate and Dad to have a shot at something if it's meant to be. I know Mom, Dad's done it a few times., and I know that it just proves you really love him, his happiness is more important than your own" Alexis interrupted and was pacing again in front of the bench.

"Well Alexis, I want to talk to you woman to woman now, you're not the little girl your Dad still thinks, hell you'll be married soon, but you better not make me a grandmother too soon" she tried to laugh, but her tears were glistening, Alexis took her tissue and gently dabbed her eyes, and sat down beside her.

"OK Mom, I think I know what you're going to say, but I'll listen, please continue"

"As I was saying, sweetie, Kate is your Dad's one, he's done with this one I would bet all the money in Black Pawn, IF they can work past the hurt, she's guilty of that, but baby half of what was said about her was not true. She wasn't in a hotel room doing the deed with Deeming when your Dad was fighting for his life, she was in her apartment with her phone turned off.

She did go to the hotel, but they stopped at the bar for a drink. Luckily her Cop instincts kicked in and she switched Gin and Tonics with Demming, he drugged himself. You see, and Baby you can't tell anyone, I wasn't supposed to but Aunt Jordan told me to tell you, Deeming's role was to get Kate out of the 12th precinct, into a hotel so Coonan could kill her, and not be under her team's jurisdiction. She didn't even know her phone was turned off, another ploy by Demming, and when she got the message from the hospital, she went crazy.

Demming was arrested for Conspiracy to commit murder against a Police Officer and could get the death penalty. Once he found out that he screwed up, and Dick Coonan was dead, he went into hiding, but Jordan found him at his sisters with dyed hair and a beard."

"Mom, that changes a lot for me, but how about Dad, what does he think about this, I mean if all this, and I believe Aunt Jordy and the police reports, Kate was a victim, just like Dad, but does he see it that way."

"Well, honestly, I won't know until Jordan calls us on Skype in about an hour or so, she's meeting with your Father now at the loft. He thought it was a publisher's assistant, but Jordan is there, I got her text."

"Well this SUCKS, three people all love each other, someone has to get hurt, and Mom, you were there for Dad through the lowest of lows, doesn't that count for something?"

"It does, your Father is torn, he wants to do right by me, so that's why I know I have to be the one to end it, he never will because, like you say he will think I was there for him, he needs to stay for me. Sweetie, I wish it were different, but it can't be.

IF he and Kate give it their all and can't make it work, then I would take him back in a heartbeat. Don't you dare tell him that, they need time to heal the hurt, and to learn how to communicate. It took your Dad and me almost 6 ½ years, hopefully, it won't be as long for them. I need you to promise me, really promise that you'll forgive Kate, and let her and your Dad settle it between them, Please?"

Alexis looked like someone had punched her and taken all of the air out of her, but she finally nodded, and then looked up "Mom, I promise, I tried to put Mike and me in that position and I know I wouldn't want some brat kid keeping us apart"

"First, you've never been a Brat, well a few times, but I know you would never do anything to hurt your Dad, you'd die first. Baby this would kill him if you can't accept Kate IF they work it out. If they can't she still deserves to be judged for what she did, not what you heard, OK?"

"You're right Mom, God being an adult sucks, I need a drink"

Gina wraps her arm around Alexis, and they walked to Simons, waving off menus just sitting in the bar. They both need a drink, and Mom was going to be sure it happened for her and her daughter.

**Xx**

**New York**

**Rick's Loft**

**Same Time Frame **

Rick had just settled down with a book he had wanted to read forever when the doorbell rang. He glanced at his watch, 7:30 PM, not late, but later than he expected any deliveries to be made. When he opened the door, there stood Jordan, Tom, and Brianna Shaw.

"Hey stranger, got room in the Inn?" she laughed, as he hugged her tightly

"Of course, anytime for you, Gina is in San Francisco with Alexis, she'll be sorry she missed you," he said smiling and looking like a million dollars.

"God Rick, you look a whole lot better than the last time I saw you," Tom said, then tried to correct himself, "I mean healthier, not better"

"Relax honey, say what you want Rick has thick skin, and from the looks of it he wasn't paying attention anyway."

Tom noticed Brianna in his arms with her toy stethoscope checking out her Uncle Rick to be sure he was healthy.

"I see what you mean Jordan, she is your secret weapon isn't she."

Jordan laughed, and then when she got Ricks attention she said,

"Rick, we have an early flight back home tomorrow so Tom is going to take Brianna home now that she's satisfied Uncle Rick is healthy, I just have a few details to cover with you to close out the files, if you feel up to it."

"Sure, sure, but Tom and Brianna can stay can't they," as he looks at her face, "I guess Mom knows best what's good for you princess, so give me a big hug. We'll be back to see you soon, I promise, OK?

"As long as you promise Uncle Rick, tell Aunt Lexi and Miss Gina I'm sorry I missed seeing them and please come see us, you are always welcome"

"Wow, so grown up, but you're still my princess, deal?"

"Deal Uncle Rick, Bye, Love You," as he said a quick goodbye to Tom, and returned to the table. He noticed a change in Jordan the minute he returned,

"Hey Jordan, everything OK, you look like you have bad news, not good"

"Well Rick, I have to tell you some things, they are going to be painful and I'm sorry, but I'm only addressing what changes the case brought out."

"Jordan, if you have something to say, please just come out and say it,"

"OK Rick here goes, I know everyone, including you, think Kate was at a hotel banging Demming when you were stabbed and fighting for your life. That's not true, and remember EVERYTHING I say tonight, is NEVER to be repeated to anyone. In case you're wondering I just told Gina as well, so no secrets.

"As I was saying Coonan had hired Deeming to sweep Kate off her feet, dine her, romance her and take her to a hotel outside of the 12th precinct, so when Coonan did his thing, it would be investigated by cops who didn't know her or the tie to Deeming. Kate must have smelled a rat, they stopped at the hotel, just to get a drink, and he tried to drug her, but she switched glasses on him, and he was taken to the room he had rented for Coonan to kill her out cold, drugged by himself.

Kate returned to her apartment and only found out that her phone was off when she hadn't received any calls at all, not even from her Dad, and then she put it together, Deeming turned it off when she was using the lady's room. I, and we know with certainty that nothing happened between the two of them that night.

When Kate got her voice mail from Nurse DiFranco she almost went crazy and was at the hospital in minutes, she went out of her mind waiting, even going to the chapel to pray twice. She's guilty of allowing a smooth-talking ass to change her normal behavior, but not what she was made out to be.

Everyone knew that Demming was on the list of indicted but few know the charge, it's Conspiracy to commit Capital Murder on a Police Officer and carries an automatic Death Penalty. One of my teams arrested him with a cheap hair dye job and some funky beard, but he's going down.

"Jordy, you said Gina knows this, when did you tell her, and please be honest?"

"When you were going through your treatment in Chicago, Dr. T asked her to be sure the night terrors didn't return for a month, but that's more your business with her" as she punches some buttons,

Gina, Alexis appear and they look small on Jordan's phone, so Rick called out, hang on a second,

They went into his office and he displayed it on the 60-inch monitor, so he could see their faces better.

"So," he said

"Yeah So," Gina repeated,

"Genes, I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but if you're doing what I think, you're spending time with Alexis, before you pack up and leave the loft, I understand, I really do"

"No, you don't Daddy, you haven't a clue, Mom is leaving because you're still in love with Kate, and she won't stand in your way. She's here to talk to me to make sure I remember I'm an adult and I owe Kate an apology for judging her, what happens beyond that is between you two, but if she's the one, then Daddy, Go for it." She bursts into tears as Gina holds her tightly,

Rick lowers his head, wipes his eyes, then looks up, "Genes is that true, I mean you know I love you; didn't I show you?"

"Rick, I know you love me, I love you, BUT Kate is your true love, Jordan was there, she knows and she'll tell you, go for it Rick, don't waste another minute, call her tonight and start the healing. Alexis and I are enjoying our Mother-Daughter weekend and we'll be home Sunday night."

"Genes are you OK, I mean I never wanted to hurt you, and I"

"You'd stay because I was there for you, Rick Castle, do something for yourself for once in your life, go for it. If she's moved on, then we'll talk, but Rick, don't hold her too accountable, you did some crazy things when we first fell in love, don't make me tell your daughter. Sweetie, I'm fine, really. Mom used to say no love is ever abandoned, it just sits dormant till the right two parties find each other."

"Daddy, Call Kate, you owe her that much if not more. I know she loves you, and I can accept it if she's your choice, I'll treat her like she deserves to be treated. I love you, Daddy, go be happy. Mom and I are going to drink" and the camera fades out

"Give me a hug Bro, I have a little princess to attend to when I get back to the hotel. Rick, Gina really tried to find a win, win, but no matter what, your happiness is all she wanted. Dr. T asked her to wait a month, just to be sure, so that's why the delay. Now you have a call to make, we love you" She hugged him and was out the door.

Xx

Why did he feel like a teenager asking a girl out for the first time, he was pacing till finally he grabbed his phone and hit her speed dial button,

"Rick, is everything OK, do you need me to send a car, what's going on?" Kate panicked,

"No, No, Kate, can you slow down, everything is fine, more than fine. Gina told me about the whole story now that I have a month in no night terrors. She and Alexis are in San Francisco having a mother-daughter thing before she moves back to her place"

"She What?"

"She's moving back to her place, eh I, Kate do you want to meet for coffee or something?"

"Yes, Rick, give me twenty minutes and I'll be there, we have to talk about a lot of things, and I owe you an apology I hope you accept."

See you in Twenty, and Kate,

"Yeah, Rick,"

"I missed you" as the line went dead


	16. Chapter 16

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_Genes, I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but if you're doing what I think, you're spending time with Alexis, before you pack up and leave the loft, I understand, I really do"_

"_No, you don't Daddy, you haven't a clue, Mom is leaving because you're still in love with Kate, and she won't stand in your way. She's here to talk to me to make sure I remember I'm an adult and I owe Kate an apology for judging her, what happens beyond that is between you two, but if she's the one, then Daddy, Go for it." She bursts into tears as Gina holds her tightly,_

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**Chapter 16**

**Castle's Loft**

**18 Minutes Later **

The moment the phone call ended Rick began to pace, and talk softly to himself. He was torn, deep inside he knew that Kate Beckett was and would always be the love of his life, but what about Gina? God, how was he supposed to react to a woman who had done so much for him, assumed the role of the mother of his child, even when things were less than harmonious between himself and her, she never wavered when it came to Alexis.

Thinking back the biggest fights they had ever had as husband and wife came as a result of him not letting her into their world, his and Alexis's, she was treated and now he knew felt like a complete outsider. The reaction from Alexis tonight was what he expected, she loved Gina as if she were her birth mother, she had been the only mother she had ever known. It wasn't unusual for her to defend one of her parents, she didn't see them as Rick and Gina, just Daddy and Mom.

Now she had told him to go for what made him happy, he knew that it was breaking her heart to see her Mom hurting and it broke his heart to know the reason why both the ladies in his life were in tears was him. Gina had made it clear, that she knew, and although she loved him, she would not stand in his way until he at least tried to make a go of his love for and with Kate. Tears came to his eye just thinking how sad he had been when he was the one standing aside, the hurt was almost physical and now Gina was going through it.

Just then the buzzer rang, and he went to open the door, perhaps more fearful than any time except when he knew he was going to die.

As he opened the door, he noticed Kate had been pacing much as he had.

"Hi Kate, thanks for coming, come on in. Can I get you something to drink, Wine? Coffee? Water?"

"Just a water Rick, and thanks for calling, there's so much I want to say, I don't really know where to start, except to say Please forgive me, I was a total ass, and I treated you worse than any scumbag we ever arrested. I think I was trying to get you to notice me, then you give Demming the green light, and it broke my heart. I thought as a world-famous author, what could I offer, and when Tom told me he had checked with you, it confirmed it, at least in my head.

"OK Kate, slow down, there's plenty of time to go through this, and I'm sure there were things I did, just like you pointed out, that hurt you as well. I just want one set of ground rules for our conversation tonight, and hopefully going forward, No Lies Kate. I can't take being lied to, even the smallest one, will shatter the trust I am trying to place in you."

Kate lowered her head to look at the floor, and then looked up with tears in her eyes, "OK Rick, no lies, even if the information hurts, but that goes for you as well."

"I agree, we never got past the speaking in code or innuendo, I don't think once I came out and told you that I love you, I've loved you since the Candela case. I was too worried about you kicking me out, and me losing the only thing I was holding on to, my time with you at the station and on cases. Pretty pathetic, I know." It was Rick's turn to look down at the floor.

Kate's eyes suddenly brightened as her mouth flew open, "You've loved me since the Candela Case, why didn't you do something? God Rick, I have loved you since the day I pulled you out of your book signing, excuse me, that's a lie," She saw Rick's face go from a huge smile to again look at the floor.

"The truth is I've loved you since I was a rookie beat cop who stood in line for almost two hours to get your autograph, you were my Mom's favorite author, and after I started reading her books, I bought everything you published" she blushed as the smile returned to Rick's face.

"You Have?"

"Yes, I have"

"Rick, I want you to read something, maybe it will help you to accept what's going on, and before you do, I want to say, I want you forever, you're it for me, I found my one and done if you will have me. I know we have work to do, and Babe, we'll take it at your pace, just please never stop talking to me. Call me out, make me tell you, I'm trying Rick, but I know my faults, but never forget I love you more than anything in the world."

Kate opened her purse and Rick recognized the handwriting immediately.

"Oh my God, Gina sent you a letter?"

"Yes Rick, but wait till you read it please, it was very sweet, I cried."

Rick took the several sheets of stationary, holding them in trembling hands, Kate moved over next to him, and gently held his arms, as he began to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm sure this is the last thing you would have guessed that would happen, a letter from the ex-wife to the woman Rick loves with all of his heart. Please don't read anything into this, I'm writing it for one reason, I love him, and his happiness means more to me than anything in the world._

_Is this unusual, yes, but when has he done anything that was conventional. _

_Kate, I moved back in with Rick at a time he needed more of a friend than a lover, so take it as it's written. I won't try to tell you how he felt, I know he loves me, but it's you that he's in love with. What fool would try to stop a hired mercenary, yep Rick? It shouldn't be considered as a foolish or desperate act, rather what he meant it to be, protecting the woman of his dreams at all costs, even his own life._

_I was with him as he underwent radical treatment in Chicago. It was then that we found out the truth, or as he would say the whole story. We verified that the one unforgivable act he had lodged in the memories that you had committed against him was a lie, it never happened, just some information from a liar, murderer, and now deceased hitman. It was after treatment I knew, I love him, he loves me, but he's in love with you, Are you with him?_

_You're probably thinking, hell he's been home from Chicago for over a month, (I know you keep track because a woman in love knows what other women do concerning their love), why did you wait this long to tell me? Simple, the doctor wanted to be sure the treatment worked, and not introduce anything to jeopardize the results. We received clearance the morning Alexis and I left on our Mother-Daughter weekend._

_I'm with my daughter to explain to her that __**YOU**__ are the woman her father loves, and will always be In Love with. I did the same thing the weekend I left the loft when we divorced, but Alexis is older now, a woman to everyone but her Dad. We had the difficult conversation, and there were tears, from us both, but she has come to realize what I do, Rick's happiness is far more important than keeping score or him staying with me out of obligation when it's you who owns his heart._

_Alexis will accept you __**IF **__you treat her father with the love and respect, he deserves. If not, well we won't even go there because I have walked in your shoes thinking I had lost my only true love forever, and the pain is so real I would swear it was physical. Honestly some days it was, but you have the rest of your lives to make up for any lost time you two stubborn jackasses have put each other through. Seize each day Kate, make every minute count. We both know the hell we went through during his hospitalization, never wonder if you gave enough, give him your all and he will make you feel like a queen._

_Tell him you love him and miss him every day, and mean it. Don't just say it to say; actually, and truly mean it. You don't know how he worries about you walking out the door, never to come home. Love him unconditionally, every minute of every day, with your whole heart, he'll argue that he loves you more, let him win that one but silently know you would die for him. _

_He will tell you that you look beautiful even when every voice in your mind tells you that you look like something they found on the curb. He'll try to fill your life full of every little thing that he thinks would make you happy, don't be surprised if you say you like something in passing and find it on your pillow that night. Remember with each little trinket, gift, or expression of love, he's saying what he sometimes has problems vocalizing, I Love You. _

_He'll spoil you and remind you how much you mean to him, and there's no doubt that he means every word he says. Your problem will be trying to accept it since no man has or ever will show you how much he loves you in so many different ways as he will. Sometimes it's overwhelming but remember, Love is all he's trying to show you, let him. _

_As I said earlier, Alexis and I share a unique bond, I'm the only Mom she has ever known. She's engaged now, I'm not sure if you knew that, but that means the family dynamic, Rick, You, Me, have to remain constant in this remarkable young lady's life. I never want her to see one ounce of discord or anger between us, if anything needs to be discussed, PLEASE allow us to take it offline and not involve our kids. Someday we both will be Grandmothers, there's plenty of room for love for us all in her and Mike's (her fiancée) heart so please love him as we do._

_Kate, if you haven't figured it out yet, Rick hurts as deeply as he loves. He will do anything to keep from showing it, especially in front of you, but call him out, make him talk to you. I didn't until it was too late for us, don't repeat that fatal error. _

_He pursued you for over two years on your schedule, now you have to wait for his. He will heal, he forgives, but remembers the hurt a long time, please don't hold that against him. Allow him to proceed at his timeframe, and be patient Kate, a lot of things must be corrected, and or redone. Take your time and enjoy the journey._

_When you hold onto him, hold on tight. When he smiles at you, smile back. When he says something corny, laugh. When it gets tough and it would be easier to just give up, don't. Feel free to cry in front of him because he won't laugh or judge you; he will hold you and love you for becoming so vulnerable. Take in the little things and let them mean so, so much. I'm trusting you to take care of him and protect his heart, he is truly a remarkable man. _

_I'll close by saying, make endless memories and soak it all up, that's how I get through the days now. It's very simple Kate, make Rick happy and we will all love you like you couldn't imagine; I wish you endless smiles. I wish you laughs and happy tears and laughs that become tears._

_Best of Luck_

_Gina _

Rick wiped his eyes when he finished reading. "She's a hell of a woman Kate, and she's right, on so many points she made. I do hold on to the hurt, I'm trying to let it go, but please be patient,"

Kate moves into his lap, locks on his eyes, and said, "I'm following her advice, I Love You, and I'll be here for you no matter what, just please, please Rick, don't shut me out."

His head moved at the same time hers did and for the first kiss, in a very long time, the spark was in the air. They had a long way to go, but, what a start.

"Rick, please don't be mad, but I brought a bag, can I stay?"

The answer came nonverbally, and led to a long night of lovemaking, talking, even some tears, but they held each other, and it was the start that he had hoped for all those nights ago.


	17. Chapter 17

**Abandoned Love by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Rick has recovered from physical wounds suffered foiling a plot to kill Kate Beckett. Time marched on quickly, Alexis is now in Grad School, Martha has played her last performance over a year ago when she passed quietly in her sleep. He talks to many people, Kate, Gina, the boys, but NOTHING has restored him to his prior self before he was almost killed saving his Detective**, **Totally AU, times and dates may have been changed, **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously**

"_I agree, we never got past the speaking in code or innuendo, I don't think once I came out and told you that I love you, I've loved you since the Candela case. I was too worried about you kicking me out, and me losing the only thing I was holding on, my time with you at the station and on cases. Pretty pathetic, I know." It was Rick's turn to look down at the floor. _

_Kate's eyes suddenly brightened as her mouth flew open, "You've loved me since the Candela Case, why didn't you do something? God Rick, I have loved you since the day I pulled you out of your book signing, excuse me, that's a lie," She sees Rick's face go from a huge smile to again look at the floor. _

"_The truth is I've loved you since I was a rookie beat cop who stood in line for almost two hours to get your autograph, you were my Mom's favorite author, and after I started reading her books, I bought everything you published" she blushed as the smile returned to Rick's face._

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**Chapter 17**

**Castle's Loft**

**Next Morning**

Rick awoke with a weight on his chest, he slowly opened one eye to see the auburn hair lying next to him, Kate using his chest for her pillow. It had been an emotional night; they had talked more in the last 8 hours than they had in over two years. Kate had cried as he held her, apologizing over and over and kissing him long and deep. Her voice was open, sincere and for once, there was no subtext. They both said exactly what was on their minds, even when they knew the words would hurt, and to her credit, she accepted the hurt she had caused.

She talked, and when she explained her side of the story, Rick saw how easily it could have been interpreted the way it was, God, if he only had the courage to call her out back then, perhaps all of this could be avoided, his thoughts were interrupted when Kate gently turned his head to her, kissed him sweetly and said,

"Rick, please don't overthink this. I love you, I truly do, and I'm here for the duration. I know I have a lot of work to do to make things right, but Babe, please let me stay, let me make it all up to you."

"Good morning Kate, this isn't how I had it pictured, the way we woke up after spending our first night together, but it's real. I have to realize that I'm enough, enough for you, enough for me and there's no other place I would rather be than right here with you." He kissed her sweetly and then just held her,

Kate didn't push it, she was just glad to be in his arms, in his bed, and given another chance. Thank God for Gina, she didn't know, make that she was positive she couldn't have done what she had done.

"Rick, of course, you're enough, you're more than enough for me. Can I ask you something, I mean you don't have to tell me or say a word if you don't want to, it's just something that Gina wrote that has me puzzled"

"Well Babe, the first rule is never to mention another person when we are lying together like this but go ahead, I'll answer it if I can," he said, as he pulled her to him and held her tightly.

"I'm sorry, I should have thought, believe me, I won't do it again. Rick, in her letter it referenced an act that you had thought was unforgivable, until you, and everyone in the room found out was just a lie. Did I do something that terrible to you, babe? I would die before I hurt you that bad, please believe me."

"Well, eh, I"

"Rick, I can see that this hurts you, it's not that important, whatever it was you forgave me and found out the truth, that's what's important" she kissed his hand she was holding against her breast, feeling her heartbeat.

"No, Kate, it is important, we have to be able to answer anything, truthfully, we've both hurt each other enough to last a lifetime, so well, this is going to be rough, and I'm sorry you have to hear it.

Coonan was playing the game with me, I started it with him, trying to get him and his ego to let his guard down, I had pressed record on the portable recorder I had with me. I was outside your building, keeping watch when he lured me out to the open and slipped into my car when I went to check the diversion. The next thing I knew there was a Sig automatic pressed against my head, and I could feel the point of the knife in my back.

I convinced him that him telling me the story now that I was going to die would hurt no one, and only an amateur would hold the information back. The topic Kate was you and Demming, he told me you were in the Wiltshire Hotel in room 347 fucking Damming's brains out. He mocked me as he was severing my arteries to my kidney's that I was dying for a cop who couldn't care less. That was the last thing I remembered as he tossed me from my own moving car three blocks away.

Jordan broke protocol, and told us the truth, that you and he had stopped for a drink, and you wisely had switched drinks with him, they carried him to the room he rented after you went to your apartment. He had turned your phone off, and it took six hours for you to get to the hospital, making the lie seem credible, so I believed it, God I hated it, but I believed it. I'm sorry Kate, so very sorry." Tears were coming from his eyes when he finished,

Kate had been crying softly on his chest as he spoke, "Oh Babe, never, never, I'm so sorry if I had just told you the truth, this all could have been avoided." Her tears came harder and Rick just held her tightly, whispering low and sweet into her ear, he was there, it was OK.

Almost an hour went by before either spoke and finally Kate sat up, looked Rick in the eye and said,

"Rick, from today, no make that yesterday, on NO one else for you, or me. We're exclusive, even if we only date once a month, no others, I can't take losing you again, God I almost died when I thought you were going to die, AGREED?"

Rick looked into the tear-stained eyes, and replied, "Agreed, but Kate I'm not sure how fast we can go, I want to start with your Doctor Burke if he'll see us as a couple or we find a couples counselor. We have a lot of baggage on both our parts, a lot of hurt from us both to get over, OK?"

"I'll call him later, unless you prefer to see someone else Rick, seriously, I'll do whatever it takes, go anywhere with you. I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt, you are it, my number one, nothing else matters as long as I have you." As she kissed his tears away, and another session of lovemaking began, opening their bodies and souls to each other. Kate had never experienced such a gentle loving man who knew how to drive her over the moon in minutes, she looked forward to this for the rest of their life.

**Castle's Loft**

**14 months Later**

"Babe does this tie look OK?" Rick asked Kate,

"Rick, it looks perfect, now we have to go, we promised Gina and Alexis we would be there to help Alexis get dressed, and for her Dad to have a few minutes before she walked down the aisle."

**FLASHBACK**

A great deal had happened over the last 14 months, Rick and Kate dated, still living apart, but the memories of hurt and all that followed were fading fast. Doctor Burke had been a God Send, he was proving to be just what they needed as a couple. Kate found out that no matter how badly she wanted to change, and how much she promised she would, it was tough to actually do it.

Rick also had his problems with trust, the old doubts would creep in from time to time, but they talked about each incident, then, regardless of where they were at, they took a timeout to ensure the other that they still felt the same. Kate didn't push at all, she accepted Rick's timeline, even when he told her that he needed to discuss something personal with Gina, and they were meeting for dinner. Shades of jealousy tried to creep in, but to her credit, she remembered that Gina was the reason she had Rick to begin with.

About two months after Gina had moved back to her home, she had met the Uncle of Alexis's fiancé at a party. They had talked and enjoyed the evening, and it wasn't a surprise when they began to date. Now ten months later, Gina wanted to talk to Rick about something important. She wanted to tell him Bill had proposed, and what did he think?

They went to dinner and then back to her house, where Rick asked her the same questions, his mother had asked her.

"Gina, do you love him, does he make you happy and is he the first and last thing on your mind when you wake or lay your head to sleep?"

"Damn it, Rick, you're not supposed to remember everything, but yes, just like I told Martha when she asked those questions about us, he does. You know when I walked away from the loft, I was convinced I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I was OK with that, as long as my girl and you were happy. It's funny how things work out, if you hadn't pursued your true love, I would have never met Bill, well in that state anyway."

"Gina, you look happy, happier than you have in a long time. If you're asking me for my blessing, you have it, and I'll do anything I can for you and Bill. He's a very lucky man and I hope it knows just what a special lady he's getting."

Tears come to her eyes, as she tiptoes and kissed his cheek,

"You always knew what to say, and in some ways, he is a lot like you, in others totally different, but he loves me, I'm sure of that."

"Then say yes, and be sure we're invited."

"Well, Rick, I need you to do something for me, and I hope this won't upset Kate, but, since Dad is gone, would you walk me down the aisle."

Rick's mouth flew open, "Gina, it would be my honor, and Kate will understand, once I explain to her that you're far more to me than a friend, you're the mother of my daughter."

Just as Rick had predicted, Kate was more than OK with him walking down the aisle. In an Ironic twist, Kate became Gina's bridesmaid and Alexis her Maid of Honor in a very small ceremony in the Hamptons just blocks from Ricks beach home.

Rick's first book published under the pseudo pen name had hit the bestseller list, and he had donated all the profits to the Planned Parenthood Association of New York and select homes for unwed mothers who decided to keep their babies.

He had secretly, well quietly worked on his next work, Love's Journey, somewhat autobiographical of his and Kate's struggles which reached the Best Seller list in record time.

**PRESENT TIME**

Alexis and Mike had graduated, secured great jobs, and today was the day they had waited for, the day when they started their new life together. Rick had finally accepted, his pumpkin was now in the hands of another man, who he loved and knew he loved his daughter.

The ceremony went off without a hitch, Rick even made it through his part of "Who giveth this woman to be wed" as he and Gina answered in unison, "we do, her parents". They turned and took their seats, Rick seated next to Kate, Gina next to Bill, as they watched the next generation unfold before their eyes.

The service ended with Mike reading a poem in recognition of the empty chairs marked with bouquets of flowers, one for his father, one for Alexis's Grams, and as the music began to play, the parents holding hands with each other and their mates, it was a good day, make that Great Day, when the abandoned love had found the proper homes for all of them.

Somewhere up in heaven Martha was smiling and telling anyone who would listen about her granddaughter, Rick just knew it. He gazed toward the sky, took a small cross from around his neck, kissed it and whispered, "Thank You Mother" as Kate gently took his hand.

That night would change the scope of everything, for that night was the night that Rick would finally ask Kate to be his wife, and she accepted. A quiet simple ceremony was held at City Hall, and it was months before anyone besides immediate family found out about it. The ceremony was officiated by the good Mayor Bob Weldon and only attended by Kate's Dad, Gina and Bill, and Alexis and Mike. A perfect end to a tumulus Love's Journey.


End file.
